Life has blessed us with a puppy.....I think

For Autumn's 13th birthday she received the gift of a puppy, she has named "Lili Mae Mathewson." Lili is a black lab and golden retriever mixed breed, and is a bundle of energy. Although she is a lot of work, Autumn is so thrilled to have her in her life, and Bethany is pleased as well. I can't say the same for Ben, as he is not much of a dog lover. However, he has been tolerant.

The process of teaching her acceptable behavior has been much like training a child. We are trying to make her understand that the cats are her new roommates, and they are not dogs, and that they need time to get used to her playfulness. Lili though, is teaching me that life is fun, and that even a little napkin ripped into hundreds of pieces can be a great toy. She is one more tool God is using to teach me about contentment. We as humans tend to want bigger, better and more expensive "things" for our lives. When the reality is that most of us have all that we need.

I am also learning how patient, once again, my Lord is with me. I often make the same mistakes over and over again, yet He is always there to help me or to completely clean up the messes I have made. Lili is just a pup, and the messes she makes are truly either just accidents or out of her exuberance for life. I must be patient with her, and I hope I will learn to be more patient with those others in my lfe who somehow don't quite meet my expectations. God is good....and I hope I will continue to learn whatever He is trying to teach me..... Till then, I will have fun training Lili to be an integral part of our family...and hopefully learn something new each day!!

Sometimes life is very hard, and we don't always understand the things that happen to us, or to those in our world. Since my last post it seems that life has been somewhat disconcerting. From the financial instability we all face, to the big questions of morality, to the daily trials of those we encounter. It seems that God is trying to get our attention....get my attention. I hope that I am listening, and once God finally has my full attention, I hope I have the ability to do and be all that He asks of me.

Lately I have wondered about the overall direction of my life, and the many choices I have made. How exactly did I get to this place, where I have children, a husband I usually love (though not in the same way every day), and a job I am not always certain I can really do well. I never planned on having children, never thought I could be good enough to parent them, and certainly was too selfish to put their needs ahead of my own. And marriage has been filled with daily challenges...though I truly have no regrets, honest. I sometimes wonder how we have survived these 17 years, when so many others have given up, or live in a daily hell. I am just grateful that despite myself and my own selfish nature, I have the gift of a husband who loves me anyway. And my work, how on earth do I get anything done....and truly some days very little seems to be accomplished. Yet then I remember the joy of a family that finally adopts their first little one, or a child who despite his past trauma has landed in a family that loves him completely, wounds and all.

So maybe I ought to spend less time wondering about the direction of my life, and relish the moment in which I am living. God has been faithful, even when I have not deserved His favor...and I really can ask for nothing more. Though when I do ask for more, He loves me and answers my deepest needs in the way that best honors Him. Amen.

He is before me, behind me, beside me and within me....

Again I have been a receiver of God's grace, His provision and now His protection. I will never understand the reason that some things happen in our lives, but I know that no matter the circumstances, that God is in the middle of it and walks with me through each step of the journey. I am certainly not more worthy of God's protection or love than any other person...but I accept it with gratefulness and humility.

On a clear day full of sunshine, on a road I have travelled for many years, I found that my son Ben and I were being catapulted toward a grassy field, after being hit broadside by a truck that ran through a stop sign. The moment of impact was one I do not think I will ever forget, nor will Ben. As we talked about it later, time seemed to slow down as if happening in a dream. As the airbags deployed and the van came to a stop, we quickly got out of the van into a field. Safe and sound. How? Why? Oh my God. In those moments I knew once again that God was before us, behind us, beside us and within us. We walked away, with only scratches, a scrape and buises from a crash that should have been far worse. I can't explain it, nor will I try.

There were clearly moments that had God's fingerprints all over them. As if He had made sure certain details were in place to minimize the trauma He knew that we would experience. To begin with, Ben and I walked away. That alone is enough. But even beyond that amazing miracle, my daughters were with my parents, having made the last minute decision to spend a few extra days with them. They were spared the awful experience. The accident occurred 25 minutes from my parents house, not on a highway, but on a regular state road. For whatever reason, the accident was not my fault. I was not distracted, nor speeding, nor looking away from the road. The fact that we were even driving the van was in itself a miracle, as I much prefer my little red car, given to me after my mom's death. Had we been in that little car....
My parents were reachable by cell phone, and came to retrieve us from the scene. The deputy's, paramedics and firemen were amazing. The were able to deal with us, as well as extricate the elderly couple from their truck. My only regret was that I was too much in shock to follow up with them. But I also know that God can take care of them, as He did us. My husband arrived that evening to be with us, and to later return us home. After a quick check with my doctor the next day, it was again plain to me that God had marked each of our steps, and provided His angels of protection to keep us from serious harm.

I feel so unworthy of His love, let alone His divine protection and intervention. But I am grateful....and this is my feeble attempt to give HIM all the glory, honor and praise for it is BECAUSE of HIM that we are here...home, healthy and safe. Thank you Jesus.........

Ahhh.....the blessed days of Summer.

It occurred to me this past week how much I absolutely LOVE summer. It is not just the weather, though that is a serious bonus! What I realized I love is that this is the one extended time of year that is not structured to the point of insanity. I start my day sooner each morning, but it also ends sooner. Then once I do get home, I can generally really stay home!!! I also realized that although I still cook dinner most nights, the pressure is off somehow. Salads, quick meals on the indoor grill and the occasional help from Ben at actually making dinner, has been a major blessing these past few weeks. Bed times are later, there is no real home work, and the kids generally are able to do their chores before I even darken the door. The schedule itself is almost completely uncluttered by meetings, choir, Youth Group, and other distractions. I love all of those activities, but this summer has been a much needed respite from the crazy busy-ness that is my life.

I begin to wonder if I am wasting my time, somehow, because I am not busy every second. Sitting on the computer looking up things on the internet, like will I ruin my hair if I color it twice in one week....and searching for an interesting macaroni and cheese recipe seem to occupy my free moments. The other moments have been spent playing Clue or Monopoly with the kids, watching Seventh Heaven on DVD since our television is dead, and reading. Oh and I can't forget the many evenings when we have not bothered with dinner at all, but headed to the local pool once I arrived home from work. Whether swimming with the girls, or reading a book while watching them dive and swim, I am so thankful for this respite. In moments, I wish summer could go on forever. But it won't, and I really don't want it too. For as much as I have realized how much I love the unstructured care free days of summer, I know that I need the highly structured appointment filled days during the rest of the year.

So as I near the end of this "sabbath" from the craziness of the rest of the year, I hope I can soak up the blessings, enjoy the quiet evenings, remember the talks and blessings I have shared with my children and family. I will need to keep it in my heart as I prepare for the next season when I will be helping the kids with homework, working longer hours and filling evenings with activities and various sports and music events. So, thank you Lord, for this respite....

Celebration of Life......

It is on this date, July 26th, nearly every year that our family takes a moment to pause, reflect and thank God for each of our children. We are abundantly grateful for the gift of Ben, Autumn and Bethany, and all that they mean to us....and are excited to consider all that God may have planned for them.

However, the reason for this date, this "Celebration of Life Day" that we try to remember each year, could have been one marked by pain and tragedy. Instead, God chose to demonstrate HIS divine intervention that day, and turn us around so that we would once again remember his blessings.

On this date in 1999, when Autumn was 3-3/4years old, and Bethany about 18 months old, and Ben just shy of 7 years of age, we were swimming in the pool in our back yard. Ben was playing with his friend Kyle, doing head stands and trick in the shallow end, I had just taken Bethany inside and put her in her crib so that I could take a quick shower, and Autumn was floating around in a blow up tube she had become attached to in the weeks preceding this date. Scott watched Ben and Kyle doing tricks, and in just a moment noticed that Autumn was floating face down in the deep end of the pool. In seconds he was in the water, dragging her out and giving her mouth to mouth resuscitation. He was also screaming for help, Ben ran inside to find me and a neighbor hearing the commotion called 911.

Within minutes an ambulance was on it's way, I had already slid soacking wet across the kitchen floor, and Scott had been able to give over the reigns to the professionals, while he lost control on the side of the pool. Not knowing what else to do, I called our Pastor's home, and spoke quickly to his wife and asked for immediate prayer for Autumn's full recovery. As I was finally able to race outside to her, I heard the distinctive low moan of her beginning to breathe. A miracle in the making. In that moment, I knew that whatever lay ahead for this little girl, we would be able to manage it with God's help.

As we collected our wits, made plans for Ben and Bethany and raced to the hospital, we knew there was great uncertainty about what her condition was and what would happen next. We were in the hands of God almighty, and He literally carried us through those moments. At the hospital it was determined she had had a seizure and was put on mega doses of medication to keep her from moving around or having another seizure. Seeing her torn bathing suit on the floor was a moment I won't forget. Yet I also knew that in Scott's eyes the moment he could not forget was seeing her floating in the pool. The self doubt, guilt and questions were all circling around us. Yet, for some reason I will never be able to explain, the peace of God was covering it all for me. It was as if when I heard Autumn's "low moan" back at the side of the pool was a sign from God just for me....that somehow she would be okay....

I proceeded to make phone calls to every living soul I knew that would pray and lift her little life up to the King of Kings and Lord of Hosts and beg for her complete healing. My cousin Karen, and people from our church. I also called my dear friend Tina and left her word on her answering machine. She later told me that my voice was as calm as she'd ever heard it. The decision was made to transfer Autumn to University Hospital for them to mange her care, as they had the best available care for her. The hospital was sending down an ambulance, and we would follow them up.

For perspective I should say that the drowning happened around 8 pm and we arrived at the University Hospital around 1 am. We were ushered into an area where we could catch a cat nap and be with her early in the morning. After she was first examined by the doctor on call his words to us were,"she is doing too well for a drowning victim." Ah, hope...and clear evidence that God was already at work in her healing. The other thing to note is that Scott and I were not alone at the hospital. My dear friend Beth, a nurse, was with us, as she had followed us from our local hospital.

By the next morning, Autumn was still not awake, but she was clearly improving. By noon she had had her breathing tube removed, had asked for her big girls panties and wanted a popsicle. This was news I could have never dreamed possible less than 16 hours before that moment. When an ekg later revealed no damage from the near drowning, we were released to go home. AMEN.

Because of a huge outpouring from our friends, family and coworkers, we organized a thank you picnic to be held, and we called it, "Celebration of Life Day." We clearly were celebrating Autumn's life, but we were also wanting people to know that it was also a time to celebrate the life that God gives to us through Jesus Christ. We were very vocal to the Newspaper, the local radio station and to a local television station that it was Jesus who saved Autumn...through her dad and the other miracle workers that worked on her and prayed for her. To God be the glory, great things HE has done.

So, on this "Celebration of Life Day," our family is celebrating. But this year we are not doing it in the same place. My husband and son are celebrating together at a Baseball game in NYC. Autumn is celebrating with her friend Casey and her family on a camping trip. Bethany and I have been celebrating all day as we went to the pool and later ate dinner at Panera Bread. Yes, we will still have a favorite dinner, a prayer time to thank God for HIS blessing, provision, and the miracle He is in each of our lives...and we'll watch the family interview tape done on the local television station. That will be in a few days...after we have celebrated and enjoyed the life we have today!!

Abba joins us on vacation....

My girls and I have had another wonderful adventure filled vacation together to our favorite area of New York State. We had the privilege to go to the Genesee Country Village and Museum in Mumford, New York. It is a wonderful village created to show the historic homes and business of various period in the 1700's to 1800's. I had hoped that the girls would love it, and they did. From the story about the octagon house being haunted, to a bar and grill where the "bar wench" would have to put down the "grill" when the men became intoxicated. We also loved watching the formation of cheese, as it was made in the 1800's. We also had the repeat joy of returning to Roseland Water Park to enjoy an afternoon of fun, water and waves!!! It is our annual pilgrimmage, and we enjoy it each year. This year, though, was one of the very best we can remember...no rain or lightening!!!

However, the very best part of this vacation was the way that God continually "showed up" during key moments. From near the beginning when I was pulled over by a state trooper for speeding....to the ride home when we had a mini melt down over bacon egg and cheese bagels, God was with us every mile!! I had the opportunity to take responsibility for having driven too fast. The trooper was also a blessing, because he reduced the fine that I could have had to pay by stating where I was speeding was at a different point on the highway. Our next adventure was when I could not go the right way on the thruway, due to construction. My own little melt down, and Autumn played a song by FFH with the lyrics, "Hey hey it's a good day, even if things aren't going my way. Jesus is Lord and I'm okay...hey hey it's a good day...." The most amazing moment of God's provision would come on Thursday morning when my cute little red Alero wouldn't start. Oh no....now what. Well, God was just amazing because He provided an AAA respondent that not only started my car, but lead me to his garage where he replaced my battery!!! The girls were able to enjoy an obnoxious yellow canary at this station, and I was able to share with this driver/mechanic how God had once again blessed our family and taken care of our need.

God truly was with us on vacation, and we are grateful for His presence. Each prayer, each tear, and each moment reminded us once again that He cares about all of the details of our lives!!! So, I will make sure that I never forget to include Him not only in the day to day ordinary moments of our lives, but make sure He is a prominent part of our vacations!!!

Weddings, celebrations and life's big moments....

We had the pleasure of attending a wedding this weekend. The wedding was a wonderful experience, and we were grateful to have been able to witness the marriage of two people who are not only deeply in love, but are so obviously soul mates. My cousin, Emily, was beautiful and I am sorry I don't have any good pictures of her with her groom, but suffice it to say they were stunning, and clearly deeply connected. At least I can show you her obvious happiness and joy that shines through in the pictures I was able to get of her.

It is sometimes hard to realize that the big moments of life, are simply moments. Most of life is lived out in the mundane everyday-ness that we all experience. But it is those daily experiences that make way for the "big moments" in life. I am so thankful for the big moments I have had...our own wedding was like a dream, and I can only hope that Emily and Tim had at least half as wonderful a day as my sweetie and I shared. However, I might add that not every day we have had since that "big moment" 17 plus years ago has been "wonderful." Some of those days have been hard, and down right difficult. However, I would never trade the mundane everyday moments, or the difficult times to only have just the one "big moment." For without the backdrop of the mundane and the difficult times, I couldn't possibly appreciate the "big moments" God has given to me. Together these weave together a life and love I will cherish for the rest of my days.

Do I Trust You Lord?

There is an old Twila Paris Song that often speaks my deepest feelings when I am considering something difficult, or even something simple. Trust is one of the most basic instincts that a child learns in infancy, and if it isn't learned, they never fully move on to successful adulthood. That may be how it is with our Creator as well. As I learn to trust Him in the small things, I should then be able to trust Him in the bigger situations in life. Clearly God knows the outcome...but mostly, He knows what it is I need to learn in the middle, and that may be the most important reason to listen to His leading and do whatever HE leads.

There was a time not long ago that I continued to refuse to do what I knew in my heart that God was telling me to do. Taking the plunge and actually doing what I knew God had been trying to get me to do, was probably one of the worst seasons of my life. When I finally received counsel from my Godly cousin, I knew that I had to do what I had felt God nudging me to do....or suffer the consequences. Leaving a church and position in which I was not only comfortable, but felt used by God, was devastating at the time. Now, though I can finally look back and see that doing what God said to do, was my only real option. To go my own way, and ignore the Lord, would have surely lead to my destruction, and likely the destruction of my family. I can also now see the blessings. The reasons for the things God planned.

So, trusting God with the outcome, is the only way. Thank you Pastor Dennis for reminding me once again, that God truly does know best, and is not only worthy of my trust....but will be with me from the moment of my first step, to my last...

DO I TRUST YOU?
by Twila Paris

Sometimes my little heart can't understand
What's in your will, what's in your plan
So many times I'm tempted to ask you why.
But I can never forget it for long
Lord what you do, could not be wrong
So I'll believe you, even when I must cry.

Do I trust you Lord? Does the river flow?
Do I trust you Lord? Does the north wind blow?
You can see my heart, You can read my mind,
And you've got to know, I would rather die,
Than to lose my faith, in the one I love.
Do I trust you?

I know the answers, I've given them all
But suddenly now, I feel so small.
Shaken down to the cavity in my soul.
I know the doctrine and theology,
but right now they don't mean much to me.
This time there's only one thing I've got to know.

Do I trust you Lord? Does the robin sing?
Do I trust you Lord? Does it rain in spring?
You can see my heart, You can read my mind,
And you've got to know , I would rather die,
Than to lose my faith, in the one I love.
Do I trust you?

I will trust you Lord, When I don't know why.
I will trust you Lord, till the day I die.
I will trust you Lord, when I'm blind with pain,
You were God before, and You'll never change.
I will trust you, I will trust you, I will trust you Lord.


Amen.

Family pictures....some that God gave me by birth...

I love summer, and times to just hang out and share time together. I'm so grateful for the ability to build memories with my children, as well. Our first camp fire was a success, and hopefully one of many to come...

Friends.... family that we choose

It was after a recent Weekend with out of town friends, and friends around the block that I was once again reminded of my many blessings and the privilege I have of calling some of these people, "Friend." God is so good. This is but a tiny piece of the joy and fun we were able to pack into a weekend, with friends/family around the campfire. God is So Good....all the time....but especially whe we get to share time with people we love!!!

You have been so good..........

One of my favorite Worship Leaders, Paul Baloche, has a song that seems to be running through my head again today, even though I am somewhat overwhelmed by my circumstances.

"You have been so good to me
You have been so good to me
I came here broken, you made me whole
You have been so good, you have been so good to me.

You have been so good to me
You have been so good to me
I came her mourning, you gave me joy
You have been so good, you have been so good, you have been so good to me

How can I thank you , there is just no way
How can I thank you , Lord how can I repay
for your kindness for your tenderness
for your constant presence here with me....."

Given all my blessings, the many ways God has touched my life....when the hard things of life happen I should not be so surprised. If I am willing to accept His goodness for my blessing, should I not also accept His troubles for my growth. Besides everything is not all about me. Bad things happen to good people! But God can redeem even the horror and troubles of life.

I think that it just might be possible that trials come into our lives in order to simply draw us closer to our Creator. I am a slow learner, and though I recognize He desires to be in intimate communion with me....sometimes it takes a trial or tragedy to bring me to my knees. Maybe that is the whole point of the Salvation message...Christ died to save me, but also to draw me into communion with His Father...my Father. Relationship. That must be the point. Too often I run through my day without really "needing" God. But that is simply not true. The reality is that I need HIM every moment of every day.

So, truly Lord, "You have been so good to me...." and for that I just thank you and rejoice in the fact that despite myself, you love me and desire to be in relationship with me. Awesome!!!

Now I understand.....

Why is it that sometimes God has to hit us over the head with a boulder to make us listen to HIM and listen to our own heart. Sometimes I am "running just to catch myself..." as the popular Mark Schultz song goes. Because I obeyed God's call...and that of Jim and Mike, I found myself right where God wanted me to be last weekend. Not only did I have the privilege of serving HIM in the capacity of Worship/Music Leader, but I had the ability to listen to my heart.

I guess that I didn't realize I was still struggling with grief and loss. It has been two and a half years since I lost my mom to COPD. Her death was sudden, but not really unexpected. It is not that I haven't cried and felt the loss. But at the time, I just plowed on and attended to all of the necessary details. The funeral, the finances, cleaning out the apartment, storing her things...later on cleaning out her things and sorting and claiming and passing on.

It took a request of a song.."Just a Closer Walk with Thee" by a new Koinonian to bring me to the realization that I still had to look at my loss and try to come to terms with it. I also remembered how much my mom loved KOINONIA. Working on a weekend in nearly any capacity was such a joy to her. She grew in her personal faith because of her involvement in Koinonia. And each time she went, it was a new reminder of God's love for her. The people in Koinonia loved my mom, and she knew that. I suspect she reasoned that if they could love her, there could no longer be any doubt in her mind that God loved her even more.

As we sang that little song on Sunday morning, I was overcome with emotions...to the point that I could really not pull it together. Even when I cry and become overwhelmed when leading worship, I can usually pull it together. Seldom do I sob outloud....but I couldn't keep it in and out they came. I knew in that moment that God was pleased, that HE loved my mom...and that once again, HE loved even me. I felt HIS overwhelming presence in that conference room...and felt in some strange way a nearness to my mom again.

My emotions took over once more in a later session in that same conference room, when even though I had not planned to say a word, I knew I had to share what God had done in my heart earlier that morning. I think the message I wanted these new Koinonians to hear most of all was that God not only loved them beyond all belief, but that He desired that they remain in community with each other, as well as himself. I hope I was able to spit out that message....because I felt it was directly from HIM.

Again, I am so blessed. I truly want each of you that stumbles upon this post to know one undeniable fact....GOD loves YOU and desire to know you and for you to KNOW HIM!!!! Just the fact that HE would love me (and you) is amazing, but now to relish in the truth that HE wants to meet with you daily....in every minute of every moment. It doesn't get any better than this!!!! GOD LOVES YOU....don't ever forget it!!!!

My music, my calling, my life.....

Lately it seems as though God is trying to move me along. I'd like to say I have a clue where He might be trying to move me to, but I can't say that I do. Surely He intends to move me closer to Him, doing whatever He wants for me to do. However, of late, I'm not sure what that is anymore.

There was a time I was absolutely certain I was exactly where I was supposed to be...in my little God ordained spot in the universe. Now, I'm just not so sure. When we were at our former house of worship, I knew that God had placed me in a position to lead His people into Worship each Sunday. It was my calling, and despite myself, each week He still somehow used even me. Each Sunday was different, and most times I marveled at what came out of my mouth...for I seldom had planned a word of it. I still am in awe of those moments in worship when God would utterly be in control and I would look at a team mate and he would sing, or play, or pray, without a word being uttered. That intuitiveness that we shared at those times was surely God given and only His holy spirit could have spoken His direction to our hearts at that moment.

Leaving that place of security and certainty of God's "official appointment" has left me, even two plus years later, wondering, "what now?" Have I done all that He wanted for me to do? I have tried my hand at different areas of ministry...not always with great results. I have listened, tried to be supportive, been a team player, and by God's grace He has allowed me to again participate on a Worship Team. Yet, I miss what was...even as I fully enjoy and pour myself into what is. I hope that in time the longing will go away, and I will live fully in this moment and no longer grieve for what is no longer.

Until then, I trust that God will clearly guide my steps. As I contemplate whether to take more guitar lessons, or embark on real piano lessons...I hope I am not somehow forcing something. I clearly want more of Jesus in my life...and those times when I have been wrapped up in music and worship, are the times I have felt His presence most deeply. So, guide my steps...help me listen to your voice...audible or felt, and know that You are making a way in the current wilderness of my life. Most of all, I want YOU Lord to be in absolute control...and that my calling will not be mine...but your calling on my life!

My main ministry...

Sometimes I am amazed that I have a family...that there are three children I can call my own, and a husband to boot, with whom I share my life. I don't think I really deserve any of this, and I know I have it all only by God's grace and providence. That being said, as I consider various ministry opportunities, I have to take into account not only what I desire and feel called to do, but how it will impact my family. There was a time I thought that once my children are older, I would have time to serve, and do the things I love...all for God, of course. But now, I wonder, maybe it is even harder to do various "ministry opportunities," because my children and husband don't need me less, like I thought. But rather, I believe they need me more. Or at least I think that they do.

Hence my struggle whenever I am asked to do anything. I search, I question, I look at our schedule....and sometimes I still can't figure out what I am supposed to do. A good friend of my recently said something to the effect, there are many "good things" that we can do to serve God, but we can't do them all!! That is definitely my situation at times. So, here I am again, wondering what to do and how it will impact those I love.

As I pray and consider and plan and search, I am reminded of something my dear husband said not long ago. He basically came to the conclusion that his primary minstry is to his children and family. Wow, what a concept in our over worked and over involved world. So there....my first priority is to my family. I need to ensure that I am ministering to their needs, and helping them to grow in their love of and knowledge of the Lord. If that is being fulfilled, then I can give some attention to the other areas God would desire for me to serve!!!

To Follow My Fear, or Follow My Heart.....

For years I have loved participating in an event called "Koinonia," a weekend retreat held in the Rochester area for nearly 30 years. It was how my Dear One and I met. Only God could have brought us together, and He did so in an amazing way.
Anyway, for this retreat, each weekend (three held each year) is put on by a "Team" of former "participants," for first time "participants." My first weekend was in May 1985, and I have had the privilege of serving on countless weekends since that time...probably around 20 or so in all. Most weekends I have been a musician and lead the music, but on other weekends I have been someone who is part of the prayer ministry, and have also given more than one talk on the weekend.

Though I have never felt worthy of any of my roles, I have always believed that if I were asked to be a "team" member, that God had His hand on it. Nothing is by chance, since I firmly believe that each weekend is bathed in prayer from the very beginning. Most weekends I have gone, I have realized at some point exactly why I was there, and what God wanted to show me or do in my life. So, now I am faced with a decision....one I am wrestling with and can't quite come to the place where I am entirely sure what God is trying to say to me.

I hope in the next day or so, I will make a decision that completely honors God...and leave the whole thing to Him. He will figure out the details, if I stop taking them back from Him. That is the human struggle, to lay our burdens at Him feet....and leave them there.

How Many Times will you pick me up.....

I've happened a song writer of late, Laura Story, with a knack of putting into words what my own heart is feeling. In one of her new releases, her song,"Grace," speaks to my many failings and yet the ever presence of God in my failings. She couldn't have said more clearly what I have been feeling of late. In so many days and in so many ways, I have failed, and end up berating myself. Yet some how, God never gives up on me.

Here is a portion that is especially meaningful to me:

"I ask you how many times will you pick me up
and I keep on letting you down
and each time I will fall short of your glory
how far will forgiveness abound
and you answer my child I love you
and as long as you're seeking my face
you'll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace"


God's grace is something I will never completely understand. But this song gives words to my heart....when sometimes I can't imagine He still loves me, I am once again reminded that His love is ever faithful and constant, in all things and at all times....for those who call themselves His own.

Truly, you need to check out the writing of Laura Story, and be blessed.

We've adopted again.....

We have once again taken the plunge and added to our brood. After losing our puppy last December, I wasn't sure we would take in any more animals. But, alas, a cat was in need of a home....and we had a home. So, once again we are a full house again, complete with two cats.

It has been so interesting to see the different personalities of these animals. We forget that though they are not human, they do have real traits that are quite distinct. It has been fun to see that Tigger, our newest family member, is stronger and desperately wants human interaction most of the time. He has his down time, like any cat. Everyone has heard that most cats don't have owners, but servants!!! Tigger has proven to be a social soul who after the first hisses to our Baby Cow, is now sleeping on the same bed at night and during the day. Tigger is not particularly playful but is definitely attention seeking. Baby Cow, on the other hand is typical of most cats, and wants attention only when he wants it, and not at any other time. He is quite playful with "Dad" but is other wise pretty independent. He has very hesitatingly opened up his territory to Tigger. Baby Cow is definitely the "favored one" in the home, but we love them both and are grateful to provide a family for which these animals to grow and experience love and affection.

Not my style of music.....

Here we are (minus Hockey boy) at a Carrie Underwood concert last night. This is not the typical show that our family attends...we are more known to go to a Casting Crowns Concert, Relient K, Michael Card, or even Phil Keaggy; but attending a country (even pop country) concert has never been on our agenda. That all changed when my sweet man saw an advertisement for a Carrie Underwood Concert in Wilkes Barre, and knowing the girls loved Carrie Underwood, there was no hesitation on his part to order tickets.

Well the appointed night came, and off we went to see what the evening had in store. My sweet man was making jokes about "watching" the show, but as for the music, I was surprised he didn't bring ear plugs. My own history gave me a tainted view of popular country music, but I did sort of enjoy Carrie's first CD, and felt that despite the electric steel guitar, thought it was a good work. So as we waited for the show to begin, after purchasing pins, key chains and a poster, the opening act came on. Here was this young man, Josh Turner, with a voice like I'd never heard. The only problem for me was the obviously country sound of the music. But that is not what caught my attention, it was the words. Here were songs about family, loving his wife, him and God, and many references to church bells ringing. These were not the country lyrics of my childhood, where the common themes were cheating spouses, trucks, rose gardens that were never promised, and references to divorce, before it was so common place. To my surprise, this music was lyrically pretty wholesome, and for the most part, family friendly.

Which leads me to my current dilemma. I can't get over the sound that is sometimes a little too "country" for my liking, but I am compelled to give this genre a second look. For years I have been terribly condemning, and now feel I need to at least consider that it may be a better alternative than some of the pathetic popular music coming across most rock and roll radio stations. Who wouldn't be drawn to words of hope for the family, commitment in times of trouble, and love for our Creator? No, I will probably never be a crazy fan of this music, but I can no longer write it off without giving it a fair listen. I just hope I can tune out the steel guitar, and focus on the meaning behind the music.

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Parenting....life's little challenge

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Tonight was Hockey Boy's last game of his inaugural season as a Maine Endwell player. It has been a good run, and I am so proud of him. It gives me a moment to pause and consider how he has blessed my life, and I would not be the person I am, had it not been for the privilege of becoming his mom on that warm August day in 1992.


Most people that know me well, know that parenting was not in "my plans." I enjoyed kids, especially teen agers, but the thought of becoming a parent to my own children, was not even on my radar. Yes, I was thrilled to be marrying the man of my dreams, and we had fleetingly discussed the idea of children, but certainly had not made any real plans. But God saw things very differently. Only seven short months after we married, we learned we would be adding to our new family. Talk about a shock. We were unable to speak for nearly two weeks as we considered the changes that would quickly come to our family. We had barely had the time to meld together as a married couple, and now we were looking at having a baby. Only God could have orchestrated that, and only God could have brought us to this point in our lives, where we are now parents of three amazing and healthy children.

Parenting has not been something that came naturally to me. I'm pretty selfish by nature, and being an only child, well, the whole world pretty much centered around me. Then the fact that I came from a broken family, moved around between various relatives, and finally ended up living with my dad and his second wife made for a little lack of discipline and stability on my part. I feared from the very beginning that I would screw up any children I had, so I had no business becoming a parent. But there I was, married (thankfully) on the verge of having a baby.

Now, nearly 16 years later I still believe I have no business being a parent. However, again, God must have had different plans. I am so thrilled to be a mom, and if I had planned my own destiny, I would have missed out on this awesome and scary privilege. Thankfully that did not happen. I don't love all parts of parenting, and I sometimes wimp out when there are tough decisions, and I struggle to set limits. However, I am not alone in this endeavor. I have an amazing husband and helpmate, and a God that loves my children even more than I do. If I look to Him for direction, He will freely give it.

So as this parenting endeavor continues, I look forward to more hockey games, school events, gymnastics lessons, sleepovers, and concerts. To think I would have missed out on all of this makes me cringe, and I again thank God for His sovreignty and for the gift of my children.

Why do we hurt the ones we love.....

Something I will never understand is how we tend to bring home our ugliest behaviors to the people that mean the most to us. How is it we give our "best behavior" to our work, or our school, or some other place we function, yet once we are home in our "safe place" we do the unthinkable, and wound those nearest and dearest to our hearts. I can't count the number of times I wish I could take back a word spoken without thinking, or a thoughtless action. But thankfully, not only are the ones we love always "there" for us, they always are willing to forgive, when we mess up. I'm so glad for my sweet man, and for his patience with me. I am also glad that the one thing I learned in our premarital counseling, was to never be afraid to ask for forgiveness....and to do so with our children as well.



It is always worth the moment of confession, no matter how difficult, to eventually return to a place of safety with whoever I have harmed. I hope that as I continue to grow in my faith, and mature as a believer, that I will not let my pride and my "rights" get in the way. The popular worship song can apply here in a family, "Better is one day in our home, better is one day in our house, than thousands elsewhere...." I hope that that will always be true for our family. That despite moments when we wound one another, that our home can once again be a safe place, even a safe harbor, after a stormy season. With Jesus as my guide, and His word, I know that even when pain occurs, He helps us through the storm, to the peacefulness of sweet reconciliation. Amen.

My son the HS Hockey Player

Check out some video from one of his recent games. Hockey boy is Number 28.

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Love what you do....?

I listened to part of a program by Chip Ingraham from Living on the Edge the other night. He was exploring the idea of our work, loving what we do, and such. As I heard part of it, I was putting together my AVON order and really only half listening. But now, as I reflect on the little bit that made it's way to my consciousness, I am wondering, do I truly love what I do? I said so in my profile, but tonight, I'm not so sure. After several days of dealing with a stressful situation on my case load, I realize that I am severly limited in my ability to really make a difference in the most traumatized of children with whom I work.

So, I am wondering, do I love what I do? Am I truly called to this "work" that I espouse to enjoy so much? Or is it just something that happened to me. I do believe that God has his plans for each of us, but tonight I am wondering if I got off course somehow. I really don't like many aspects of my job, and I am not necessarily a good communicator in stressful scenarios. I also won't take many risks either. Yet, I regularly ask families to take a "chance" and try to work with certain difficult children. I ask parents to be patient, when I sometimes lack patience.

On the other hand, when I recently took a test about my gifts, it showed that I had the gift of mercy. In some ways I do offer mercy to the situations I encounter, and I work hard to be encouraging and supportive. And I do listen, usually fairly well, and can help people see the good in very tough life circumstances.

One thing I did realize again on my way home from work, as I tried to "decompress" some of the stress that was hanging over me, was that I can't do any of this in my own power. It really all does come back to God, and His plan for the children with whom I work. The best thing that I can do for these vulnerable ones, is to ask that God would be in control of their situation, and work out the details in a seemingly impossible situation. I had to lay at our creator's feet the things that have eaten at me all day. I have to really trust that He will work "all things" together for His good....yes I know there is another part to that verse, about him doing this for those that love God. I realize that maybe not all of the kids and families with whom I work have an ongoing relationship with our Lord, but because I do, and I think of these little ones as "mine," I believe that God can and will still work out His purposes in their little lives, eventually.

Maybe that is really at the core of knowing if our job is ordained by God himself, that we can do whatever it is as "unto the Lord." In the end, I don't always know if I am doing my best, and yes, I get caught up in the details. However, I choose to trust Him that for today, I am in His plan and fulfilling His purposes through my work. So, with that said, maybe I don't always love my job, but I am reminded that I can always trust Him to be with me in my job, and can do my best, simply because it is pleasing to Him.

Everybody needs a friend

Let me start by saying, I am not a "dog" person. I do not dislike them, but I would never go out of my way to own one. That all changed in April of 2006. After being badgered by our daughters, and our family became the proud owner of not just an adopted cat named "Baby Cow," but we adopted from a shelter a mixed breed black lab we affectionately named "Sophi Christy." She was a gentle soul, who wasn't much for playing or chasing balls in the yard, and other than getting out once and eating a neighbors chicken, she was a wonderful pet. What would later happen to our dear "Sophster" as my husband affectionately called her, would forever change my view of animals. They somehow come into our lives and make us better persons, if we let them. Sophi was loyal, gentle, and never a serious bother. She wanted little more than to lay on our couch, greet us when we returned home, and have a tasty treat now and then.

Just a few days before Christmas, in the middle of the night, Sophi came up to our room to arouse me. Not one to like being woken up, I chose to pet her head, and invited her to lay on the floor at the foot of our bed. A treat normally reserved for when either my husband or I were away overnight. Somehow between the hours of 3 a.m. and 5:30 a.m., she managed to arouse our daughter, her primary caregiver, and would eventually get me up again. Sophi was leaving little "pools" of phlegm all over the floor, and coughing. So I, and my trusty internet search engine, looked up coughing and phlegm. After a little searching, I thought I had the answer, possibly Kennel cough, and went off to take my shower and get ready for the day. What would happen in the next few hours is just a little glimpse of the how quickly life can change. By 7:30 a.m., it was painfully clear that Sophi was much sicker than a simple cold. She had made it to her bed in the living room, and was very still, barely breathing. A call to our wonderful veterinarian would confirm that we needed to get her to him as soon as possible, but that even if we did, it may already be too late. So we packed her in my son's drum box, blanket and all, and drove the 25 minute ride to the vets office. Somewhere between our home, and the office, we lost her.

I never would have thought I would cry over a dog, and those of you that are dog lovers, I certainly don't mean to offend. I simply grew up on a farm, with dozens of various animals, and was never terribly attached to any of them. But now, this was different. This was our Sophi, and she hadn't done anything to deserve this, and she was just gone. Even now as I write this over a month later, I still can not believe she is gone. She was such a sweet gentle kind soul.... and she taught me patience, and that I could love an animal. Maybe not with the same intensity of loving my children, but in a different way. Sophi never expected too much from me, a little food, a pat on the head, and to be let out on occasion to do her business. She was faithful, though. Sophi made me a better person, and taught me that we don't always get what we deserve.

What a lesson that is for us as believers in Jesus, who know in a very real way we do not get what we deserve. No, we get just the opposite, which is grace, and forgiveness. Most animals I know don't understand the concept of holding a grudge and don't have a clue about being manipulative or in hurting others, either accidentally or on purpose. No, Sophi was the picture of forgiveness and grace. I might forget to take her outside to "do her business," but would she make a mess all over the carpet to get me back? Never. She was so sensitive, that she chose to find the one place in the house where there was concrete, to relieve herself. Did she whine or beg? Never. She would just wait. She trusted us to take care of her needs. And we certainly tried to do so. I only regret that in the end, we had to say good bye too soon.

Indeed, Sophi has taught me a lot, and my life is richer for having had her in it. The obvious question from my daughters was, "can we get another dog?" To which I replied, "Not yet....I'm not sure I can let myself love another dog yet." Though chances are, some spring or summer day, we will likely be visiting a shelter to find a dog that needs a home, or rather, we will be trying to find a dog that can continue to teach us the same lessons that Sophi was able to do in her short life. I'll never be a believer that animals are more important than humans in the grand scheme of things, but I finally realize they certainly do play an important role in the lives of humans. We should take care to try and learn to trust in the Lord, in the same way that Sophi was able to trust us.

It seems as though more and more people in my circle of influence are dealing with a mental health issue, either their own or of someone near and dear to their hearts. So just I think no one understands, lo and behold, I encounter someone else who intimately understands the struggle of depression or anxiety, or addictions.

We live in a fallen world, with other fallen people. And though we so often pray for God to remove the "thorn" in our flesh, or the flesh of someone we love, it is becoming clearer and clearer to me that God chooses to allow this thorn, for His purpose. I don't claim to understand, but somehow I am coming to believe that each part of our lives truly have God's finger prints all over them....and each thing somehow is for the purpose of drawing us closer into relationship with Him. At least I hope so. I refuse to believe that my God would "toy" with us humans for the sake of seeing us suffer. Instead, I think that He allows suffering so that we will really understand that we desperately need to rely on HIM to bring us through the particular "storm" in which we find ourselves. No, God does not sit on His throne watching for who he can pick on. Instead I believe He is waiting for us to cry out to Him in total repentance and total submission to HIS will...no holds barred. The "thorn" may still be within us, but more importantly, God Himself, through His son Jesus Christ is within us, before us, behind us and beside us. No "thorn" can truly compete with God....and once we truly believe this and live in this truth, God's purposes in our lives will be fulfilled. Although we may still "suffer," we do not suffer alone, but beside the one who heals every sorrow and wipes every tear.
May you be well, and seek Jesus, and draw close to Him, as you learn to live with this "thorn."