Now I understand.....

Why is it that sometimes God has to hit us over the head with a boulder to make us listen to HIM and listen to our own heart. Sometimes I am "running just to catch myself..." as the popular Mark Schultz song goes. Because I obeyed God's call...and that of Jim and Mike, I found myself right where God wanted me to be last weekend. Not only did I have the privilege of serving HIM in the capacity of Worship/Music Leader, but I had the ability to listen to my heart.

I guess that I didn't realize I was still struggling with grief and loss. It has been two and a half years since I lost my mom to COPD. Her death was sudden, but not really unexpected. It is not that I haven't cried and felt the loss. But at the time, I just plowed on and attended to all of the necessary details. The funeral, the finances, cleaning out the apartment, storing her things...later on cleaning out her things and sorting and claiming and passing on.

It took a request of a song.."Just a Closer Walk with Thee" by a new Koinonian to bring me to the realization that I still had to look at my loss and try to come to terms with it. I also remembered how much my mom loved KOINONIA. Working on a weekend in nearly any capacity was such a joy to her. She grew in her personal faith because of her involvement in Koinonia. And each time she went, it was a new reminder of God's love for her. The people in Koinonia loved my mom, and she knew that. I suspect she reasoned that if they could love her, there could no longer be any doubt in her mind that God loved her even more.

As we sang that little song on Sunday morning, I was overcome with emotions...to the point that I could really not pull it together. Even when I cry and become overwhelmed when leading worship, I can usually pull it together. Seldom do I sob outloud....but I couldn't keep it in and out they came. I knew in that moment that God was pleased, that HE loved my mom...and that once again, HE loved even me. I felt HIS overwhelming presence in that conference room...and felt in some strange way a nearness to my mom again.

My emotions took over once more in a later session in that same conference room, when even though I had not planned to say a word, I knew I had to share what God had done in my heart earlier that morning. I think the message I wanted these new Koinonians to hear most of all was that God not only loved them beyond all belief, but that He desired that they remain in community with each other, as well as himself. I hope I was able to spit out that message....because I felt it was directly from HIM.

Again, I am so blessed. I truly want each of you that stumbles upon this post to know one undeniable fact....GOD loves YOU and desire to know you and for you to KNOW HIM!!!! Just the fact that HE would love me (and you) is amazing, but now to relish in the truth that HE wants to meet with you daily....in every minute of every moment. It doesn't get any better than this!!!! GOD LOVES YOU....don't ever forget it!!!!