What is it that God is trying to show me these days? It seems HE is trying to strip away the parts of me that keep me from knowing HIM better. Just when I don't know how much more I can take, HE shows me that it is not about me, but about my reliance on HIM. If my life is not glorifying HIM for HIS sake, then I am just a clanging cymbal trying only to serve myself, and not my Lord. Any unbelieving person can do that. God has called me to a greater calling, and I have failed HIM.
It seems that I am learning that maybe my "dedication" to ministry has not been completely to serve HIM, but to get a few "kudos" and "way to go girl" from my peers and those in authority over me. That is not a pretty picture of how I wanted my life to be lived. Forgive me Lord for trying to take your glory, and for relying on my own strength. I should not be surprised that I have given out under the pressure, for on my own, I am nothing. I need you LORD to lead me, work though me, and tell me what to do next. The need is so great, the work so difficult to manage....I need YOUR help. I need YOUR strength. Please be near me in these crazy days.
I was just wondering, thinking about what my ministry was, what was the calling YOU had on my life. Then I am confronted with this side of my personality... Not an hour after wondering and thinking these thoughts, someone thanked me for the role I had played in the life of their family. My pleasure...but I have to be careful with my thoughts, given this new realization of my flaw, and propensity to need "praise" from others. I so want my only affirmation to come from my Lord, but I am so human. Thank you anyway, Lord, for providing the words of encouragement you gave to me through my friend. Despite my intentions to want to only please YOU, you still gave me words that were balm to my weary soul. Thank you. That is what makes you God, the fact that you know and love me, despite my flaws and failiures. Thank you.....
