Lately it seems as though God is trying to move me along. I'd like to say I have a clue where He might be trying to move me to, but I can't say that I do. Surely He intends to move me closer to Him, doing whatever He wants for me to do. However, of late, I'm not sure what that is anymore.
There was a time I was absolutely certain I was exactly where I was supposed to be...in my little God ordained spot in the universe. Now, I'm just not so sure. When we were at our former house of worship, I knew that God had placed me in a position to lead His people into Worship each Sunday. It was my calling, and despite myself, each week He still somehow used even me. Each Sunday was different, and most times I marveled at what came out of my mouth...for I seldom had planned a word of it. I still am in awe of those moments in worship when God would utterly be in control and I would look at a team mate and he would sing, or play, or pray, without a word being uttered. That intuitiveness that we shared at those times was surely God given and only His holy spirit could have spoken His direction to our hearts at that moment.
Leaving that place of security and certainty of God's "official appointment" has left me, even two plus years later, wondering, "what now?" Have I done all that He wanted for me to do? I have tried my hand at different areas of ministry...not always with great results. I have listened, tried to be supportive, been a team player, and by God's grace He has allowed me to again participate on a Worship Team. Yet, I miss what was...even as I fully enjoy and pour myself into what is. I hope that in time the longing will go away, and I will live fully in this moment and no longer grieve for what is no longer.
Until then, I trust that God will clearly guide my steps. As I contemplate whether to take more guitar lessons, or embark on real piano lessons...I hope I am not somehow forcing something. I clearly want more of Jesus in my life...and those times when I have been wrapped up in music and worship, are the times I have felt His presence most deeply. So, guide my steps...help me listen to your voice...audible or felt, and know that You are making a way in the current wilderness of my life. Most of all, I want YOU Lord to be in absolute control...and that my calling will not be mine...but your calling on my life!
1 comment:
I, too, miss those days, when the holy spirit was so tangible during worship. When the whole world stopped, all outside influences were gone, and we just lived in the moment with Christ. You were used greatly in that ministry, and I miss your influence greatly.
I believe there is more
for you, much more. He is not through with you yet. It is so easy to look back with longing on the "glory days" to the church where I was married, my children dedicated, myself baptized, and wonderful friendships made. Although I know it was time to leave, part of me is still searching for that level of fellowship, for people who are so closely in communion with Christ that you can see it on their faces.
Like you, I want to seek the will of God in all that I do and fulfill my purpose in this life. We cannot be through yet. Until we have breathed our last breath, God has a purpose for us to be walking this earth. We will be used mightily if we submit to Him. That is my deepest desire, to be worthy of being used by Him. Can I ever be?
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