My music, my calling, my life.....

Lately it seems as though God is trying to move me along. I'd like to say I have a clue where He might be trying to move me to, but I can't say that I do. Surely He intends to move me closer to Him, doing whatever He wants for me to do. However, of late, I'm not sure what that is anymore.

There was a time I was absolutely certain I was exactly where I was supposed to be...in my little God ordained spot in the universe. Now, I'm just not so sure. When we were at our former house of worship, I knew that God had placed me in a position to lead His people into Worship each Sunday. It was my calling, and despite myself, each week He still somehow used even me. Each Sunday was different, and most times I marveled at what came out of my mouth...for I seldom had planned a word of it. I still am in awe of those moments in worship when God would utterly be in control and I would look at a team mate and he would sing, or play, or pray, without a word being uttered. That intuitiveness that we shared at those times was surely God given and only His holy spirit could have spoken His direction to our hearts at that moment.

Leaving that place of security and certainty of God's "official appointment" has left me, even two plus years later, wondering, "what now?" Have I done all that He wanted for me to do? I have tried my hand at different areas of ministry...not always with great results. I have listened, tried to be supportive, been a team player, and by God's grace He has allowed me to again participate on a Worship Team. Yet, I miss what was...even as I fully enjoy and pour myself into what is. I hope that in time the longing will go away, and I will live fully in this moment and no longer grieve for what is no longer.

Until then, I trust that God will clearly guide my steps. As I contemplate whether to take more guitar lessons, or embark on real piano lessons...I hope I am not somehow forcing something. I clearly want more of Jesus in my life...and those times when I have been wrapped up in music and worship, are the times I have felt His presence most deeply. So, guide my steps...help me listen to your voice...audible or felt, and know that You are making a way in the current wilderness of my life. Most of all, I want YOU Lord to be in absolute control...and that my calling will not be mine...but your calling on my life!

My main ministry...

Sometimes I am amazed that I have a family...that there are three children I can call my own, and a husband to boot, with whom I share my life. I don't think I really deserve any of this, and I know I have it all only by God's grace and providence. That being said, as I consider various ministry opportunities, I have to take into account not only what I desire and feel called to do, but how it will impact my family. There was a time I thought that once my children are older, I would have time to serve, and do the things I love...all for God, of course. But now, I wonder, maybe it is even harder to do various "ministry opportunities," because my children and husband don't need me less, like I thought. But rather, I believe they need me more. Or at least I think that they do.

Hence my struggle whenever I am asked to do anything. I search, I question, I look at our schedule....and sometimes I still can't figure out what I am supposed to do. A good friend of my recently said something to the effect, there are many "good things" that we can do to serve God, but we can't do them all!! That is definitely my situation at times. So, here I am again, wondering what to do and how it will impact those I love.

As I pray and consider and plan and search, I am reminded of something my dear husband said not long ago. He basically came to the conclusion that his primary minstry is to his children and family. Wow, what a concept in our over worked and over involved world. So there....my first priority is to my family. I need to ensure that I am ministering to their needs, and helping them to grow in their love of and knowledge of the Lord. If that is being fulfilled, then I can give some attention to the other areas God would desire for me to serve!!!

To Follow My Fear, or Follow My Heart.....

For years I have loved participating in an event called "Koinonia," a weekend retreat held in the Rochester area for nearly 30 years. It was how my Dear One and I met. Only God could have brought us together, and He did so in an amazing way.
Anyway, for this retreat, each weekend (three held each year) is put on by a "Team" of former "participants," for first time "participants." My first weekend was in May 1985, and I have had the privilege of serving on countless weekends since that time...probably around 20 or so in all. Most weekends I have been a musician and lead the music, but on other weekends I have been someone who is part of the prayer ministry, and have also given more than one talk on the weekend.

Though I have never felt worthy of any of my roles, I have always believed that if I were asked to be a "team" member, that God had His hand on it. Nothing is by chance, since I firmly believe that each weekend is bathed in prayer from the very beginning. Most weekends I have gone, I have realized at some point exactly why I was there, and what God wanted to show me or do in my life. So, now I am faced with a decision....one I am wrestling with and can't quite come to the place where I am entirely sure what God is trying to say to me.

I hope in the next day or so, I will make a decision that completely honors God...and leave the whole thing to Him. He will figure out the details, if I stop taking them back from Him. That is the human struggle, to lay our burdens at Him feet....and leave them there.

How Many Times will you pick me up.....

I've happened a song writer of late, Laura Story, with a knack of putting into words what my own heart is feeling. In one of her new releases, her song,"Grace," speaks to my many failings and yet the ever presence of God in my failings. She couldn't have said more clearly what I have been feeling of late. In so many days and in so many ways, I have failed, and end up berating myself. Yet some how, God never gives up on me.

Here is a portion that is especially meaningful to me:

"I ask you how many times will you pick me up
and I keep on letting you down
and each time I will fall short of your glory
how far will forgiveness abound
and you answer my child I love you
and as long as you're seeking my face
you'll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace"


God's grace is something I will never completely understand. But this song gives words to my heart....when sometimes I can't imagine He still loves me, I am once again reminded that His love is ever faithful and constant, in all things and at all times....for those who call themselves His own.

Truly, you need to check out the writing of Laura Story, and be blessed.

We've adopted again.....

We have once again taken the plunge and added to our brood. After losing our puppy last December, I wasn't sure we would take in any more animals. But, alas, a cat was in need of a home....and we had a home. So, once again we are a full house again, complete with two cats.

It has been so interesting to see the different personalities of these animals. We forget that though they are not human, they do have real traits that are quite distinct. It has been fun to see that Tigger, our newest family member, is stronger and desperately wants human interaction most of the time. He has his down time, like any cat. Everyone has heard that most cats don't have owners, but servants!!! Tigger has proven to be a social soul who after the first hisses to our Baby Cow, is now sleeping on the same bed at night and during the day. Tigger is not particularly playful but is definitely attention seeking. Baby Cow, on the other hand is typical of most cats, and wants attention only when he wants it, and not at any other time. He is quite playful with "Dad" but is other wise pretty independent. He has very hesitatingly opened up his territory to Tigger. Baby Cow is definitely the "favored one" in the home, but we love them both and are grateful to provide a family for which these animals to grow and experience love and affection.