All things old are new again.....

We had a lovely day at an Artisan's Fair in our community that highlighted what would be considered old time activities, raising farm animals, spinning wool, sheep shearing, candle making, soap making, etc. It makes me want to do these things myself, and yet somehow life seems to get in the way! A month ago I was going to work to "perfect" the art of bread making. I made two loaves of bread that weekend. Somehow, even though they were far from perfect, I have not gone on to make more bread. That is sad. In past days, people would not have had a choice, but would have had to feed the chickens, churn the butter, spin the fiber, and even chop the wood. It is still my goal to perfect bread, and learn the art of making soap, but this probably won't happen till I'm forced to do so. So, for now, I will take off the pressure, enjoy crocheting a little, baking bread from time to time, and enjoy the life I am living now!

Learning the hard way....

What is it that God is trying to show me these days? It seems HE is trying to strip away the parts of me that keep me from knowing HIM better. Just when I don't know how much more I can take, HE shows me that it is not about me, but about my reliance on HIM. If my life is not glorifying HIM for HIS sake, then I am just a clanging cymbal trying only to serve myself, and not my Lord. Any unbelieving person can do that. God has called me to a greater calling, and I have failed HIM.
It seems that I am learning that maybe my "dedication" to ministry has not been completely to serve HIM, but to get a few "kudos" and "way to go girl" from my peers and those in authority over me. That is not a pretty picture of how I wanted my life to be lived. Forgive me Lord for trying to take your glory, and for relying on my own strength. I should not be surprised that I have given out under the pressure, for on my own, I am nothing. I need you LORD to lead me, work though me, and tell me what to do next. The need is so great, the work so difficult to manage....I need YOUR help. I need YOUR strength. Please be near me in these crazy days.
I was just wondering, thinking about what my ministry was, what was the calling YOU had on my life. Then I am confronted with this side of my personality... Not an hour after wondering and thinking these thoughts, someone thanked me for the role I had played in the life of their family. My pleasure...but I have to be careful with my thoughts, given this new realization of my flaw, and propensity to need "praise" from others. I so want my only affirmation to come from my Lord, but I am so human. Thank you anyway, Lord, for providing the words of encouragement you gave to me through my friend. Despite my intentions to want to only please YOU, you still gave me words that were balm to my weary soul. Thank you. That is what makes you God, the fact that you know and love me, despite my flaws and failiures. Thank you.....

To have a real hope....

In the many months since my last post, it seems that God has been speaking to me through books, and sermons, articles on the web, and even Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh. No, don't think I've fallen over the edge and somehow tied my faith with my political leanings. But I have listened to the mess that our country, society, and culture have become; yet these commentators, entertainers, or whatever you want to call them, have continued to focus on having hope. I find that to be comforting, and a message I need to not hear just once, but on a daily basis. Sean frequently says , "Let not your heart be troubled..." and I have no idea if that is just one part of a statement made in the book of John in the Bible. I don't know if these men actually have hope in God, or more specifically hope in the Savior of Jesus Christ. But even so, through the rantings and commentating on the days events, I have been able to focus on Jesus as my only hope.

That brings me to the point of this little post...Hope can only be found in our Lord Jesus Christ. Thankfully He knows our circumstances, knows about the banking crisis, knows about the moral decay in our culture, knows about the aches in our heart and about our woundedness. In the midst of this, He is there. Friend if you are in need of Hope, turn to Jesus....our only source of Hope.

Life has blessed us with a puppy.....I think

For Autumn's 13th birthday she received the gift of a puppy, she has named "Lili Mae Mathewson." Lili is a black lab and golden retriever mixed breed, and is a bundle of energy. Although she is a lot of work, Autumn is so thrilled to have her in her life, and Bethany is pleased as well. I can't say the same for Ben, as he is not much of a dog lover. However, he has been tolerant.

The process of teaching her acceptable behavior has been much like training a child. We are trying to make her understand that the cats are her new roommates, and they are not dogs, and that they need time to get used to her playfulness. Lili though, is teaching me that life is fun, and that even a little napkin ripped into hundreds of pieces can be a great toy. She is one more tool God is using to teach me about contentment. We as humans tend to want bigger, better and more expensive "things" for our lives. When the reality is that most of us have all that we need.

I am also learning how patient, once again, my Lord is with me. I often make the same mistakes over and over again, yet He is always there to help me or to completely clean up the messes I have made. Lili is just a pup, and the messes she makes are truly either just accidents or out of her exuberance for life. I must be patient with her, and I hope I will learn to be more patient with those others in my lfe who somehow don't quite meet my expectations. God is good....and I hope I will continue to learn whatever He is trying to teach me..... Till then, I will have fun training Lili to be an integral part of our family...and hopefully learn something new each day!!

Sometimes life is very hard, and we don't always understand the things that happen to us, or to those in our world. Since my last post it seems that life has been somewhat disconcerting. From the financial instability we all face, to the big questions of morality, to the daily trials of those we encounter. It seems that God is trying to get our attention....get my attention. I hope that I am listening, and once God finally has my full attention, I hope I have the ability to do and be all that He asks of me.

Lately I have wondered about the overall direction of my life, and the many choices I have made. How exactly did I get to this place, where I have children, a husband I usually love (though not in the same way every day), and a job I am not always certain I can really do well. I never planned on having children, never thought I could be good enough to parent them, and certainly was too selfish to put their needs ahead of my own. And marriage has been filled with daily challenges...though I truly have no regrets, honest. I sometimes wonder how we have survived these 17 years, when so many others have given up, or live in a daily hell. I am just grateful that despite myself and my own selfish nature, I have the gift of a husband who loves me anyway. And my work, how on earth do I get anything done....and truly some days very little seems to be accomplished. Yet then I remember the joy of a family that finally adopts their first little one, or a child who despite his past trauma has landed in a family that loves him completely, wounds and all.

So maybe I ought to spend less time wondering about the direction of my life, and relish the moment in which I am living. God has been faithful, even when I have not deserved His favor...and I really can ask for nothing more. Though when I do ask for more, He loves me and answers my deepest needs in the way that best honors Him. Amen.

He is before me, behind me, beside me and within me....

Again I have been a receiver of God's grace, His provision and now His protection. I will never understand the reason that some things happen in our lives, but I know that no matter the circumstances, that God is in the middle of it and walks with me through each step of the journey. I am certainly not more worthy of God's protection or love than any other person...but I accept it with gratefulness and humility.

On a clear day full of sunshine, on a road I have travelled for many years, I found that my son Ben and I were being catapulted toward a grassy field, after being hit broadside by a truck that ran through a stop sign. The moment of impact was one I do not think I will ever forget, nor will Ben. As we talked about it later, time seemed to slow down as if happening in a dream. As the airbags deployed and the van came to a stop, we quickly got out of the van into a field. Safe and sound. How? Why? Oh my God. In those moments I knew once again that God was before us, behind us, beside us and within us. We walked away, with only scratches, a scrape and buises from a crash that should have been far worse. I can't explain it, nor will I try.

There were clearly moments that had God's fingerprints all over them. As if He had made sure certain details were in place to minimize the trauma He knew that we would experience. To begin with, Ben and I walked away. That alone is enough. But even beyond that amazing miracle, my daughters were with my parents, having made the last minute decision to spend a few extra days with them. They were spared the awful experience. The accident occurred 25 minutes from my parents house, not on a highway, but on a regular state road. For whatever reason, the accident was not my fault. I was not distracted, nor speeding, nor looking away from the road. The fact that we were even driving the van was in itself a miracle, as I much prefer my little red car, given to me after my mom's death. Had we been in that little car....
My parents were reachable by cell phone, and came to retrieve us from the scene. The deputy's, paramedics and firemen were amazing. The were able to deal with us, as well as extricate the elderly couple from their truck. My only regret was that I was too much in shock to follow up with them. But I also know that God can take care of them, as He did us. My husband arrived that evening to be with us, and to later return us home. After a quick check with my doctor the next day, it was again plain to me that God had marked each of our steps, and provided His angels of protection to keep us from serious harm.

I feel so unworthy of His love, let alone His divine protection and intervention. But I am grateful....and this is my feeble attempt to give HIM all the glory, honor and praise for it is BECAUSE of HIM that we are here...home, healthy and safe. Thank you Jesus.........

Ahhh.....the blessed days of Summer.

It occurred to me this past week how much I absolutely LOVE summer. It is not just the weather, though that is a serious bonus! What I realized I love is that this is the one extended time of year that is not structured to the point of insanity. I start my day sooner each morning, but it also ends sooner. Then once I do get home, I can generally really stay home!!! I also realized that although I still cook dinner most nights, the pressure is off somehow. Salads, quick meals on the indoor grill and the occasional help from Ben at actually making dinner, has been a major blessing these past few weeks. Bed times are later, there is no real home work, and the kids generally are able to do their chores before I even darken the door. The schedule itself is almost completely uncluttered by meetings, choir, Youth Group, and other distractions. I love all of those activities, but this summer has been a much needed respite from the crazy busy-ness that is my life.

I begin to wonder if I am wasting my time, somehow, because I am not busy every second. Sitting on the computer looking up things on the internet, like will I ruin my hair if I color it twice in one week....and searching for an interesting macaroni and cheese recipe seem to occupy my free moments. The other moments have been spent playing Clue or Monopoly with the kids, watching Seventh Heaven on DVD since our television is dead, and reading. Oh and I can't forget the many evenings when we have not bothered with dinner at all, but headed to the local pool once I arrived home from work. Whether swimming with the girls, or reading a book while watching them dive and swim, I am so thankful for this respite. In moments, I wish summer could go on forever. But it won't, and I really don't want it too. For as much as I have realized how much I love the unstructured care free days of summer, I know that I need the highly structured appointment filled days during the rest of the year.

So as I near the end of this "sabbath" from the craziness of the rest of the year, I hope I can soak up the blessings, enjoy the quiet evenings, remember the talks and blessings I have shared with my children and family. I will need to keep it in my heart as I prepare for the next season when I will be helping the kids with homework, working longer hours and filling evenings with activities and various sports and music events. So, thank you Lord, for this respite....