Sometimes life is very hard, and we don't always understand the things that happen to us, or to those in our world. Since my last post it seems that life has been somewhat disconcerting. From the financial instability we all face, to the big questions of morality, to the daily trials of those we encounter. It seems that God is trying to get our attention....get my attention. I hope that I am listening, and once God finally has my full attention, I hope I have the ability to do and be all that He asks of me.

Lately I have wondered about the overall direction of my life, and the many choices I have made. How exactly did I get to this place, where I have children, a husband I usually love (though not in the same way every day), and a job I am not always certain I can really do well. I never planned on having children, never thought I could be good enough to parent them, and certainly was too selfish to put their needs ahead of my own. And marriage has been filled with daily challenges...though I truly have no regrets, honest. I sometimes wonder how we have survived these 17 years, when so many others have given up, or live in a daily hell. I am just grateful that despite myself and my own selfish nature, I have the gift of a husband who loves me anyway. And my work, how on earth do I get anything done....and truly some days very little seems to be accomplished. Yet then I remember the joy of a family that finally adopts their first little one, or a child who despite his past trauma has landed in a family that loves him completely, wounds and all.

So maybe I ought to spend less time wondering about the direction of my life, and relish the moment in which I am living. God has been faithful, even when I have not deserved His favor...and I really can ask for nothing more. Though when I do ask for more, He loves me and answers my deepest needs in the way that best honors Him. Amen.

He is before me, behind me, beside me and within me....

Again I have been a receiver of God's grace, His provision and now His protection. I will never understand the reason that some things happen in our lives, but I know that no matter the circumstances, that God is in the middle of it and walks with me through each step of the journey. I am certainly not more worthy of God's protection or love than any other person...but I accept it with gratefulness and humility.

On a clear day full of sunshine, on a road I have travelled for many years, I found that my son Ben and I were being catapulted toward a grassy field, after being hit broadside by a truck that ran through a stop sign. The moment of impact was one I do not think I will ever forget, nor will Ben. As we talked about it later, time seemed to slow down as if happening in a dream. As the airbags deployed and the van came to a stop, we quickly got out of the van into a field. Safe and sound. How? Why? Oh my God. In those moments I knew once again that God was before us, behind us, beside us and within us. We walked away, with only scratches, a scrape and buises from a crash that should have been far worse. I can't explain it, nor will I try.

There were clearly moments that had God's fingerprints all over them. As if He had made sure certain details were in place to minimize the trauma He knew that we would experience. To begin with, Ben and I walked away. That alone is enough. But even beyond that amazing miracle, my daughters were with my parents, having made the last minute decision to spend a few extra days with them. They were spared the awful experience. The accident occurred 25 minutes from my parents house, not on a highway, but on a regular state road. For whatever reason, the accident was not my fault. I was not distracted, nor speeding, nor looking away from the road. The fact that we were even driving the van was in itself a miracle, as I much prefer my little red car, given to me after my mom's death. Had we been in that little car....
My parents were reachable by cell phone, and came to retrieve us from the scene. The deputy's, paramedics and firemen were amazing. The were able to deal with us, as well as extricate the elderly couple from their truck. My only regret was that I was too much in shock to follow up with them. But I also know that God can take care of them, as He did us. My husband arrived that evening to be with us, and to later return us home. After a quick check with my doctor the next day, it was again plain to me that God had marked each of our steps, and provided His angels of protection to keep us from serious harm.

I feel so unworthy of His love, let alone His divine protection and intervention. But I am grateful....and this is my feeble attempt to give HIM all the glory, honor and praise for it is BECAUSE of HIM that we are here...home, healthy and safe. Thank you Jesus.........

Ahhh.....the blessed days of Summer.

It occurred to me this past week how much I absolutely LOVE summer. It is not just the weather, though that is a serious bonus! What I realized I love is that this is the one extended time of year that is not structured to the point of insanity. I start my day sooner each morning, but it also ends sooner. Then once I do get home, I can generally really stay home!!! I also realized that although I still cook dinner most nights, the pressure is off somehow. Salads, quick meals on the indoor grill and the occasional help from Ben at actually making dinner, has been a major blessing these past few weeks. Bed times are later, there is no real home work, and the kids generally are able to do their chores before I even darken the door. The schedule itself is almost completely uncluttered by meetings, choir, Youth Group, and other distractions. I love all of those activities, but this summer has been a much needed respite from the crazy busy-ness that is my life.

I begin to wonder if I am wasting my time, somehow, because I am not busy every second. Sitting on the computer looking up things on the internet, like will I ruin my hair if I color it twice in one week....and searching for an interesting macaroni and cheese recipe seem to occupy my free moments. The other moments have been spent playing Clue or Monopoly with the kids, watching Seventh Heaven on DVD since our television is dead, and reading. Oh and I can't forget the many evenings when we have not bothered with dinner at all, but headed to the local pool once I arrived home from work. Whether swimming with the girls, or reading a book while watching them dive and swim, I am so thankful for this respite. In moments, I wish summer could go on forever. But it won't, and I really don't want it too. For as much as I have realized how much I love the unstructured care free days of summer, I know that I need the highly structured appointment filled days during the rest of the year.

So as I near the end of this "sabbath" from the craziness of the rest of the year, I hope I can soak up the blessings, enjoy the quiet evenings, remember the talks and blessings I have shared with my children and family. I will need to keep it in my heart as I prepare for the next season when I will be helping the kids with homework, working longer hours and filling evenings with activities and various sports and music events. So, thank you Lord, for this respite....

Celebration of Life......

It is on this date, July 26th, nearly every year that our family takes a moment to pause, reflect and thank God for each of our children. We are abundantly grateful for the gift of Ben, Autumn and Bethany, and all that they mean to us....and are excited to consider all that God may have planned for them.

However, the reason for this date, this "Celebration of Life Day" that we try to remember each year, could have been one marked by pain and tragedy. Instead, God chose to demonstrate HIS divine intervention that day, and turn us around so that we would once again remember his blessings.

On this date in 1999, when Autumn was 3-3/4years old, and Bethany about 18 months old, and Ben just shy of 7 years of age, we were swimming in the pool in our back yard. Ben was playing with his friend Kyle, doing head stands and trick in the shallow end, I had just taken Bethany inside and put her in her crib so that I could take a quick shower, and Autumn was floating around in a blow up tube she had become attached to in the weeks preceding this date. Scott watched Ben and Kyle doing tricks, and in just a moment noticed that Autumn was floating face down in the deep end of the pool. In seconds he was in the water, dragging her out and giving her mouth to mouth resuscitation. He was also screaming for help, Ben ran inside to find me and a neighbor hearing the commotion called 911.

Within minutes an ambulance was on it's way, I had already slid soacking wet across the kitchen floor, and Scott had been able to give over the reigns to the professionals, while he lost control on the side of the pool. Not knowing what else to do, I called our Pastor's home, and spoke quickly to his wife and asked for immediate prayer for Autumn's full recovery. As I was finally able to race outside to her, I heard the distinctive low moan of her beginning to breathe. A miracle in the making. In that moment, I knew that whatever lay ahead for this little girl, we would be able to manage it with God's help.

As we collected our wits, made plans for Ben and Bethany and raced to the hospital, we knew there was great uncertainty about what her condition was and what would happen next. We were in the hands of God almighty, and He literally carried us through those moments. At the hospital it was determined she had had a seizure and was put on mega doses of medication to keep her from moving around or having another seizure. Seeing her torn bathing suit on the floor was a moment I won't forget. Yet I also knew that in Scott's eyes the moment he could not forget was seeing her floating in the pool. The self doubt, guilt and questions were all circling around us. Yet, for some reason I will never be able to explain, the peace of God was covering it all for me. It was as if when I heard Autumn's "low moan" back at the side of the pool was a sign from God just for me....that somehow she would be okay....

I proceeded to make phone calls to every living soul I knew that would pray and lift her little life up to the King of Kings and Lord of Hosts and beg for her complete healing. My cousin Karen, and people from our church. I also called my dear friend Tina and left her word on her answering machine. She later told me that my voice was as calm as she'd ever heard it. The decision was made to transfer Autumn to University Hospital for them to mange her care, as they had the best available care for her. The hospital was sending down an ambulance, and we would follow them up.

For perspective I should say that the drowning happened around 8 pm and we arrived at the University Hospital around 1 am. We were ushered into an area where we could catch a cat nap and be with her early in the morning. After she was first examined by the doctor on call his words to us were,"she is doing too well for a drowning victim." Ah, hope...and clear evidence that God was already at work in her healing. The other thing to note is that Scott and I were not alone at the hospital. My dear friend Beth, a nurse, was with us, as she had followed us from our local hospital.

By the next morning, Autumn was still not awake, but she was clearly improving. By noon she had had her breathing tube removed, had asked for her big girls panties and wanted a popsicle. This was news I could have never dreamed possible less than 16 hours before that moment. When an ekg later revealed no damage from the near drowning, we were released to go home. AMEN.

Because of a huge outpouring from our friends, family and coworkers, we organized a thank you picnic to be held, and we called it, "Celebration of Life Day." We clearly were celebrating Autumn's life, but we were also wanting people to know that it was also a time to celebrate the life that God gives to us through Jesus Christ. We were very vocal to the Newspaper, the local radio station and to a local television station that it was Jesus who saved Autumn...through her dad and the other miracle workers that worked on her and prayed for her. To God be the glory, great things HE has done.

So, on this "Celebration of Life Day," our family is celebrating. But this year we are not doing it in the same place. My husband and son are celebrating together at a Baseball game in NYC. Autumn is celebrating with her friend Casey and her family on a camping trip. Bethany and I have been celebrating all day as we went to the pool and later ate dinner at Panera Bread. Yes, we will still have a favorite dinner, a prayer time to thank God for HIS blessing, provision, and the miracle He is in each of our lives...and we'll watch the family interview tape done on the local television station. That will be in a few days...after we have celebrated and enjoyed the life we have today!!

Abba joins us on vacation....

My girls and I have had another wonderful adventure filled vacation together to our favorite area of New York State. We had the privilege to go to the Genesee Country Village and Museum in Mumford, New York. It is a wonderful village created to show the historic homes and business of various period in the 1700's to 1800's. I had hoped that the girls would love it, and they did. From the story about the octagon house being haunted, to a bar and grill where the "bar wench" would have to put down the "grill" when the men became intoxicated. We also loved watching the formation of cheese, as it was made in the 1800's. We also had the repeat joy of returning to Roseland Water Park to enjoy an afternoon of fun, water and waves!!! It is our annual pilgrimmage, and we enjoy it each year. This year, though, was one of the very best we can remember...no rain or lightening!!!

However, the very best part of this vacation was the way that God continually "showed up" during key moments. From near the beginning when I was pulled over by a state trooper for speeding....to the ride home when we had a mini melt down over bacon egg and cheese bagels, God was with us every mile!! I had the opportunity to take responsibility for having driven too fast. The trooper was also a blessing, because he reduced the fine that I could have had to pay by stating where I was speeding was at a different point on the highway. Our next adventure was when I could not go the right way on the thruway, due to construction. My own little melt down, and Autumn played a song by FFH with the lyrics, "Hey hey it's a good day, even if things aren't going my way. Jesus is Lord and I'm okay...hey hey it's a good day...." The most amazing moment of God's provision would come on Thursday morning when my cute little red Alero wouldn't start. Oh no....now what. Well, God was just amazing because He provided an AAA respondent that not only started my car, but lead me to his garage where he replaced my battery!!! The girls were able to enjoy an obnoxious yellow canary at this station, and I was able to share with this driver/mechanic how God had once again blessed our family and taken care of our need.

God truly was with us on vacation, and we are grateful for His presence. Each prayer, each tear, and each moment reminded us once again that He cares about all of the details of our lives!!! So, I will make sure that I never forget to include Him not only in the day to day ordinary moments of our lives, but make sure He is a prominent part of our vacations!!!

Weddings, celebrations and life's big moments....

We had the pleasure of attending a wedding this weekend. The wedding was a wonderful experience, and we were grateful to have been able to witness the marriage of two people who are not only deeply in love, but are so obviously soul mates. My cousin, Emily, was beautiful and I am sorry I don't have any good pictures of her with her groom, but suffice it to say they were stunning, and clearly deeply connected. At least I can show you her obvious happiness and joy that shines through in the pictures I was able to get of her.

It is sometimes hard to realize that the big moments of life, are simply moments. Most of life is lived out in the mundane everyday-ness that we all experience. But it is those daily experiences that make way for the "big moments" in life. I am so thankful for the big moments I have had...our own wedding was like a dream, and I can only hope that Emily and Tim had at least half as wonderful a day as my sweetie and I shared. However, I might add that not every day we have had since that "big moment" 17 plus years ago has been "wonderful." Some of those days have been hard, and down right difficult. However, I would never trade the mundane everyday moments, or the difficult times to only have just the one "big moment." For without the backdrop of the mundane and the difficult times, I couldn't possibly appreciate the "big moments" God has given to me. Together these weave together a life and love I will cherish for the rest of my days.

Do I Trust You Lord?

There is an old Twila Paris Song that often speaks my deepest feelings when I am considering something difficult, or even something simple. Trust is one of the most basic instincts that a child learns in infancy, and if it isn't learned, they never fully move on to successful adulthood. That may be how it is with our Creator as well. As I learn to trust Him in the small things, I should then be able to trust Him in the bigger situations in life. Clearly God knows the outcome...but mostly, He knows what it is I need to learn in the middle, and that may be the most important reason to listen to His leading and do whatever HE leads.

There was a time not long ago that I continued to refuse to do what I knew in my heart that God was telling me to do. Taking the plunge and actually doing what I knew God had been trying to get me to do, was probably one of the worst seasons of my life. When I finally received counsel from my Godly cousin, I knew that I had to do what I had felt God nudging me to do....or suffer the consequences. Leaving a church and position in which I was not only comfortable, but felt used by God, was devastating at the time. Now, though I can finally look back and see that doing what God said to do, was my only real option. To go my own way, and ignore the Lord, would have surely lead to my destruction, and likely the destruction of my family. I can also now see the blessings. The reasons for the things God planned.

So, trusting God with the outcome, is the only way. Thank you Pastor Dennis for reminding me once again, that God truly does know best, and is not only worthy of my trust....but will be with me from the moment of my first step, to my last...

DO I TRUST YOU?
by Twila Paris

Sometimes my little heart can't understand
What's in your will, what's in your plan
So many times I'm tempted to ask you why.
But I can never forget it for long
Lord what you do, could not be wrong
So I'll believe you, even when I must cry.

Do I trust you Lord? Does the river flow?
Do I trust you Lord? Does the north wind blow?
You can see my heart, You can read my mind,
And you've got to know, I would rather die,
Than to lose my faith, in the one I love.
Do I trust you?

I know the answers, I've given them all
But suddenly now, I feel so small.
Shaken down to the cavity in my soul.
I know the doctrine and theology,
but right now they don't mean much to me.
This time there's only one thing I've got to know.

Do I trust you Lord? Does the robin sing?
Do I trust you Lord? Does it rain in spring?
You can see my heart, You can read my mind,
And you've got to know , I would rather die,
Than to lose my faith, in the one I love.
Do I trust you?

I will trust you Lord, When I don't know why.
I will trust you Lord, till the day I die.
I will trust you Lord, when I'm blind with pain,
You were God before, and You'll never change.
I will trust you, I will trust you, I will trust you Lord.


Amen.