You have been so good..........

One of my favorite Worship Leaders, Paul Baloche, has a song that seems to be running through my head again today, even though I am somewhat overwhelmed by my circumstances.

"You have been so good to me
You have been so good to me
I came here broken, you made me whole
You have been so good, you have been so good to me.

You have been so good to me
You have been so good to me
I came her mourning, you gave me joy
You have been so good, you have been so good, you have been so good to me

How can I thank you , there is just no way
How can I thank you , Lord how can I repay
for your kindness for your tenderness
for your constant presence here with me....."

Given all my blessings, the many ways God has touched my life....when the hard things of life happen I should not be so surprised. If I am willing to accept His goodness for my blessing, should I not also accept His troubles for my growth. Besides everything is not all about me. Bad things happen to good people! But God can redeem even the horror and troubles of life.

I think that it just might be possible that trials come into our lives in order to simply draw us closer to our Creator. I am a slow learner, and though I recognize He desires to be in intimate communion with me....sometimes it takes a trial or tragedy to bring me to my knees. Maybe that is the whole point of the Salvation message...Christ died to save me, but also to draw me into communion with His Father...my Father. Relationship. That must be the point. Too often I run through my day without really "needing" God. But that is simply not true. The reality is that I need HIM every moment of every day.

So, truly Lord, "You have been so good to me...." and for that I just thank you and rejoice in the fact that despite myself, you love me and desire to be in relationship with me. Awesome!!!

Now I understand.....

Why is it that sometimes God has to hit us over the head with a boulder to make us listen to HIM and listen to our own heart. Sometimes I am "running just to catch myself..." as the popular Mark Schultz song goes. Because I obeyed God's call...and that of Jim and Mike, I found myself right where God wanted me to be last weekend. Not only did I have the privilege of serving HIM in the capacity of Worship/Music Leader, but I had the ability to listen to my heart.

I guess that I didn't realize I was still struggling with grief and loss. It has been two and a half years since I lost my mom to COPD. Her death was sudden, but not really unexpected. It is not that I haven't cried and felt the loss. But at the time, I just plowed on and attended to all of the necessary details. The funeral, the finances, cleaning out the apartment, storing her things...later on cleaning out her things and sorting and claiming and passing on.

It took a request of a song.."Just a Closer Walk with Thee" by a new Koinonian to bring me to the realization that I still had to look at my loss and try to come to terms with it. I also remembered how much my mom loved KOINONIA. Working on a weekend in nearly any capacity was such a joy to her. She grew in her personal faith because of her involvement in Koinonia. And each time she went, it was a new reminder of God's love for her. The people in Koinonia loved my mom, and she knew that. I suspect she reasoned that if they could love her, there could no longer be any doubt in her mind that God loved her even more.

As we sang that little song on Sunday morning, I was overcome with emotions...to the point that I could really not pull it together. Even when I cry and become overwhelmed when leading worship, I can usually pull it together. Seldom do I sob outloud....but I couldn't keep it in and out they came. I knew in that moment that God was pleased, that HE loved my mom...and that once again, HE loved even me. I felt HIS overwhelming presence in that conference room...and felt in some strange way a nearness to my mom again.

My emotions took over once more in a later session in that same conference room, when even though I had not planned to say a word, I knew I had to share what God had done in my heart earlier that morning. I think the message I wanted these new Koinonians to hear most of all was that God not only loved them beyond all belief, but that He desired that they remain in community with each other, as well as himself. I hope I was able to spit out that message....because I felt it was directly from HIM.

Again, I am so blessed. I truly want each of you that stumbles upon this post to know one undeniable fact....GOD loves YOU and desire to know you and for you to KNOW HIM!!!! Just the fact that HE would love me (and you) is amazing, but now to relish in the truth that HE wants to meet with you daily....in every minute of every moment. It doesn't get any better than this!!!! GOD LOVES YOU....don't ever forget it!!!!

My music, my calling, my life.....

Lately it seems as though God is trying to move me along. I'd like to say I have a clue where He might be trying to move me to, but I can't say that I do. Surely He intends to move me closer to Him, doing whatever He wants for me to do. However, of late, I'm not sure what that is anymore.

There was a time I was absolutely certain I was exactly where I was supposed to be...in my little God ordained spot in the universe. Now, I'm just not so sure. When we were at our former house of worship, I knew that God had placed me in a position to lead His people into Worship each Sunday. It was my calling, and despite myself, each week He still somehow used even me. Each Sunday was different, and most times I marveled at what came out of my mouth...for I seldom had planned a word of it. I still am in awe of those moments in worship when God would utterly be in control and I would look at a team mate and he would sing, or play, or pray, without a word being uttered. That intuitiveness that we shared at those times was surely God given and only His holy spirit could have spoken His direction to our hearts at that moment.

Leaving that place of security and certainty of God's "official appointment" has left me, even two plus years later, wondering, "what now?" Have I done all that He wanted for me to do? I have tried my hand at different areas of ministry...not always with great results. I have listened, tried to be supportive, been a team player, and by God's grace He has allowed me to again participate on a Worship Team. Yet, I miss what was...even as I fully enjoy and pour myself into what is. I hope that in time the longing will go away, and I will live fully in this moment and no longer grieve for what is no longer.

Until then, I trust that God will clearly guide my steps. As I contemplate whether to take more guitar lessons, or embark on real piano lessons...I hope I am not somehow forcing something. I clearly want more of Jesus in my life...and those times when I have been wrapped up in music and worship, are the times I have felt His presence most deeply. So, guide my steps...help me listen to your voice...audible or felt, and know that You are making a way in the current wilderness of my life. Most of all, I want YOU Lord to be in absolute control...and that my calling will not be mine...but your calling on my life!

My main ministry...

Sometimes I am amazed that I have a family...that there are three children I can call my own, and a husband to boot, with whom I share my life. I don't think I really deserve any of this, and I know I have it all only by God's grace and providence. That being said, as I consider various ministry opportunities, I have to take into account not only what I desire and feel called to do, but how it will impact my family. There was a time I thought that once my children are older, I would have time to serve, and do the things I love...all for God, of course. But now, I wonder, maybe it is even harder to do various "ministry opportunities," because my children and husband don't need me less, like I thought. But rather, I believe they need me more. Or at least I think that they do.

Hence my struggle whenever I am asked to do anything. I search, I question, I look at our schedule....and sometimes I still can't figure out what I am supposed to do. A good friend of my recently said something to the effect, there are many "good things" that we can do to serve God, but we can't do them all!! That is definitely my situation at times. So, here I am again, wondering what to do and how it will impact those I love.

As I pray and consider and plan and search, I am reminded of something my dear husband said not long ago. He basically came to the conclusion that his primary minstry is to his children and family. Wow, what a concept in our over worked and over involved world. So there....my first priority is to my family. I need to ensure that I am ministering to their needs, and helping them to grow in their love of and knowledge of the Lord. If that is being fulfilled, then I can give some attention to the other areas God would desire for me to serve!!!

To Follow My Fear, or Follow My Heart.....

For years I have loved participating in an event called "Koinonia," a weekend retreat held in the Rochester area for nearly 30 years. It was how my Dear One and I met. Only God could have brought us together, and He did so in an amazing way.
Anyway, for this retreat, each weekend (three held each year) is put on by a "Team" of former "participants," for first time "participants." My first weekend was in May 1985, and I have had the privilege of serving on countless weekends since that time...probably around 20 or so in all. Most weekends I have been a musician and lead the music, but on other weekends I have been someone who is part of the prayer ministry, and have also given more than one talk on the weekend.

Though I have never felt worthy of any of my roles, I have always believed that if I were asked to be a "team" member, that God had His hand on it. Nothing is by chance, since I firmly believe that each weekend is bathed in prayer from the very beginning. Most weekends I have gone, I have realized at some point exactly why I was there, and what God wanted to show me or do in my life. So, now I am faced with a decision....one I am wrestling with and can't quite come to the place where I am entirely sure what God is trying to say to me.

I hope in the next day or so, I will make a decision that completely honors God...and leave the whole thing to Him. He will figure out the details, if I stop taking them back from Him. That is the human struggle, to lay our burdens at Him feet....and leave them there.

How Many Times will you pick me up.....

I've happened a song writer of late, Laura Story, with a knack of putting into words what my own heart is feeling. In one of her new releases, her song,"Grace," speaks to my many failings and yet the ever presence of God in my failings. She couldn't have said more clearly what I have been feeling of late. In so many days and in so many ways, I have failed, and end up berating myself. Yet some how, God never gives up on me.

Here is a portion that is especially meaningful to me:

"I ask you how many times will you pick me up
and I keep on letting you down
and each time I will fall short of your glory
how far will forgiveness abound
and you answer my child I love you
and as long as you're seeking my face
you'll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace"


God's grace is something I will never completely understand. But this song gives words to my heart....when sometimes I can't imagine He still loves me, I am once again reminded that His love is ever faithful and constant, in all things and at all times....for those who call themselves His own.

Truly, you need to check out the writing of Laura Story, and be blessed.

We've adopted again.....

We have once again taken the plunge and added to our brood. After losing our puppy last December, I wasn't sure we would take in any more animals. But, alas, a cat was in need of a home....and we had a home. So, once again we are a full house again, complete with two cats.

It has been so interesting to see the different personalities of these animals. We forget that though they are not human, they do have real traits that are quite distinct. It has been fun to see that Tigger, our newest family member, is stronger and desperately wants human interaction most of the time. He has his down time, like any cat. Everyone has heard that most cats don't have owners, but servants!!! Tigger has proven to be a social soul who after the first hisses to our Baby Cow, is now sleeping on the same bed at night and during the day. Tigger is not particularly playful but is definitely attention seeking. Baby Cow, on the other hand is typical of most cats, and wants attention only when he wants it, and not at any other time. He is quite playful with "Dad" but is other wise pretty independent. He has very hesitatingly opened up his territory to Tigger. Baby Cow is definitely the "favored one" in the home, but we love them both and are grateful to provide a family for which these animals to grow and experience love and affection.