To have a real hope....

In the many months since my last post, it seems that God has been speaking to me through books, and sermons, articles on the web, and even Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh. No, don't think I've fallen over the edge and somehow tied my faith with my political leanings. But I have listened to the mess that our country, society, and culture have become; yet these commentators, entertainers, or whatever you want to call them, have continued to focus on having hope. I find that to be comforting, and a message I need to not hear just once, but on a daily basis. Sean frequently says , "Let not your heart be troubled..." and I have no idea if that is just one part of a statement made in the book of John in the Bible. I don't know if these men actually have hope in God, or more specifically hope in the Savior of Jesus Christ. But even so, through the rantings and commentating on the days events, I have been able to focus on Jesus as my only hope.

That brings me to the point of this little post...Hope can only be found in our Lord Jesus Christ. Thankfully He knows our circumstances, knows about the banking crisis, knows about the moral decay in our culture, knows about the aches in our heart and about our woundedness. In the midst of this, He is there. Friend if you are in need of Hope, turn to Jesus....our only source of Hope.

Life has blessed us with a puppy.....I think

For Autumn's 13th birthday she received the gift of a puppy, she has named "Lili Mae Mathewson." Lili is a black lab and golden retriever mixed breed, and is a bundle of energy. Although she is a lot of work, Autumn is so thrilled to have her in her life, and Bethany is pleased as well. I can't say the same for Ben, as he is not much of a dog lover. However, he has been tolerant.

The process of teaching her acceptable behavior has been much like training a child. We are trying to make her understand that the cats are her new roommates, and they are not dogs, and that they need time to get used to her playfulness. Lili though, is teaching me that life is fun, and that even a little napkin ripped into hundreds of pieces can be a great toy. She is one more tool God is using to teach me about contentment. We as humans tend to want bigger, better and more expensive "things" for our lives. When the reality is that most of us have all that we need.

I am also learning how patient, once again, my Lord is with me. I often make the same mistakes over and over again, yet He is always there to help me or to completely clean up the messes I have made. Lili is just a pup, and the messes she makes are truly either just accidents or out of her exuberance for life. I must be patient with her, and I hope I will learn to be more patient with those others in my lfe who somehow don't quite meet my expectations. God is good....and I hope I will continue to learn whatever He is trying to teach me..... Till then, I will have fun training Lili to be an integral part of our family...and hopefully learn something new each day!!

Sometimes life is very hard, and we don't always understand the things that happen to us, or to those in our world. Since my last post it seems that life has been somewhat disconcerting. From the financial instability we all face, to the big questions of morality, to the daily trials of those we encounter. It seems that God is trying to get our attention....get my attention. I hope that I am listening, and once God finally has my full attention, I hope I have the ability to do and be all that He asks of me.

Lately I have wondered about the overall direction of my life, and the many choices I have made. How exactly did I get to this place, where I have children, a husband I usually love (though not in the same way every day), and a job I am not always certain I can really do well. I never planned on having children, never thought I could be good enough to parent them, and certainly was too selfish to put their needs ahead of my own. And marriage has been filled with daily challenges...though I truly have no regrets, honest. I sometimes wonder how we have survived these 17 years, when so many others have given up, or live in a daily hell. I am just grateful that despite myself and my own selfish nature, I have the gift of a husband who loves me anyway. And my work, how on earth do I get anything done....and truly some days very little seems to be accomplished. Yet then I remember the joy of a family that finally adopts their first little one, or a child who despite his past trauma has landed in a family that loves him completely, wounds and all.

So maybe I ought to spend less time wondering about the direction of my life, and relish the moment in which I am living. God has been faithful, even when I have not deserved His favor...and I really can ask for nothing more. Though when I do ask for more, He loves me and answers my deepest needs in the way that best honors Him. Amen.

He is before me, behind me, beside me and within me....

Again I have been a receiver of God's grace, His provision and now His protection. I will never understand the reason that some things happen in our lives, but I know that no matter the circumstances, that God is in the middle of it and walks with me through each step of the journey. I am certainly not more worthy of God's protection or love than any other person...but I accept it with gratefulness and humility.

On a clear day full of sunshine, on a road I have travelled for many years, I found that my son Ben and I were being catapulted toward a grassy field, after being hit broadside by a truck that ran through a stop sign. The moment of impact was one I do not think I will ever forget, nor will Ben. As we talked about it later, time seemed to slow down as if happening in a dream. As the airbags deployed and the van came to a stop, we quickly got out of the van into a field. Safe and sound. How? Why? Oh my God. In those moments I knew once again that God was before us, behind us, beside us and within us. We walked away, with only scratches, a scrape and buises from a crash that should have been far worse. I can't explain it, nor will I try.

There were clearly moments that had God's fingerprints all over them. As if He had made sure certain details were in place to minimize the trauma He knew that we would experience. To begin with, Ben and I walked away. That alone is enough. But even beyond that amazing miracle, my daughters were with my parents, having made the last minute decision to spend a few extra days with them. They were spared the awful experience. The accident occurred 25 minutes from my parents house, not on a highway, but on a regular state road. For whatever reason, the accident was not my fault. I was not distracted, nor speeding, nor looking away from the road. The fact that we were even driving the van was in itself a miracle, as I much prefer my little red car, given to me after my mom's death. Had we been in that little car....
My parents were reachable by cell phone, and came to retrieve us from the scene. The deputy's, paramedics and firemen were amazing. The were able to deal with us, as well as extricate the elderly couple from their truck. My only regret was that I was too much in shock to follow up with them. But I also know that God can take care of them, as He did us. My husband arrived that evening to be with us, and to later return us home. After a quick check with my doctor the next day, it was again plain to me that God had marked each of our steps, and provided His angels of protection to keep us from serious harm.

I feel so unworthy of His love, let alone His divine protection and intervention. But I am grateful....and this is my feeble attempt to give HIM all the glory, honor and praise for it is BECAUSE of HIM that we are here...home, healthy and safe. Thank you Jesus.........

Ahhh.....the blessed days of Summer.

It occurred to me this past week how much I absolutely LOVE summer. It is not just the weather, though that is a serious bonus! What I realized I love is that this is the one extended time of year that is not structured to the point of insanity. I start my day sooner each morning, but it also ends sooner. Then once I do get home, I can generally really stay home!!! I also realized that although I still cook dinner most nights, the pressure is off somehow. Salads, quick meals on the indoor grill and the occasional help from Ben at actually making dinner, has been a major blessing these past few weeks. Bed times are later, there is no real home work, and the kids generally are able to do their chores before I even darken the door. The schedule itself is almost completely uncluttered by meetings, choir, Youth Group, and other distractions. I love all of those activities, but this summer has been a much needed respite from the crazy busy-ness that is my life.

I begin to wonder if I am wasting my time, somehow, because I am not busy every second. Sitting on the computer looking up things on the internet, like will I ruin my hair if I color it twice in one week....and searching for an interesting macaroni and cheese recipe seem to occupy my free moments. The other moments have been spent playing Clue or Monopoly with the kids, watching Seventh Heaven on DVD since our television is dead, and reading. Oh and I can't forget the many evenings when we have not bothered with dinner at all, but headed to the local pool once I arrived home from work. Whether swimming with the girls, or reading a book while watching them dive and swim, I am so thankful for this respite. In moments, I wish summer could go on forever. But it won't, and I really don't want it too. For as much as I have realized how much I love the unstructured care free days of summer, I know that I need the highly structured appointment filled days during the rest of the year.

So as I near the end of this "sabbath" from the craziness of the rest of the year, I hope I can soak up the blessings, enjoy the quiet evenings, remember the talks and blessings I have shared with my children and family. I will need to keep it in my heart as I prepare for the next season when I will be helping the kids with homework, working longer hours and filling evenings with activities and various sports and music events. So, thank you Lord, for this respite....

Celebration of Life......

It is on this date, July 26th, nearly every year that our family takes a moment to pause, reflect and thank God for each of our children. We are abundantly grateful for the gift of Ben, Autumn and Bethany, and all that they mean to us....and are excited to consider all that God may have planned for them.

However, the reason for this date, this "Celebration of Life Day" that we try to remember each year, could have been one marked by pain and tragedy. Instead, God chose to demonstrate HIS divine intervention that day, and turn us around so that we would once again remember his blessings.

On this date in 1999, when Autumn was 3-3/4years old, and Bethany about 18 months old, and Ben just shy of 7 years of age, we were swimming in the pool in our back yard. Ben was playing with his friend Kyle, doing head stands and trick in the shallow end, I had just taken Bethany inside and put her in her crib so that I could take a quick shower, and Autumn was floating around in a blow up tube she had become attached to in the weeks preceding this date. Scott watched Ben and Kyle doing tricks, and in just a moment noticed that Autumn was floating face down in the deep end of the pool. In seconds he was in the water, dragging her out and giving her mouth to mouth resuscitation. He was also screaming for help, Ben ran inside to find me and a neighbor hearing the commotion called 911.

Within minutes an ambulance was on it's way, I had already slid soacking wet across the kitchen floor, and Scott had been able to give over the reigns to the professionals, while he lost control on the side of the pool. Not knowing what else to do, I called our Pastor's home, and spoke quickly to his wife and asked for immediate prayer for Autumn's full recovery. As I was finally able to race outside to her, I heard the distinctive low moan of her beginning to breathe. A miracle in the making. In that moment, I knew that whatever lay ahead for this little girl, we would be able to manage it with God's help.

As we collected our wits, made plans for Ben and Bethany and raced to the hospital, we knew there was great uncertainty about what her condition was and what would happen next. We were in the hands of God almighty, and He literally carried us through those moments. At the hospital it was determined she had had a seizure and was put on mega doses of medication to keep her from moving around or having another seizure. Seeing her torn bathing suit on the floor was a moment I won't forget. Yet I also knew that in Scott's eyes the moment he could not forget was seeing her floating in the pool. The self doubt, guilt and questions were all circling around us. Yet, for some reason I will never be able to explain, the peace of God was covering it all for me. It was as if when I heard Autumn's "low moan" back at the side of the pool was a sign from God just for me....that somehow she would be okay....

I proceeded to make phone calls to every living soul I knew that would pray and lift her little life up to the King of Kings and Lord of Hosts and beg for her complete healing. My cousin Karen, and people from our church. I also called my dear friend Tina and left her word on her answering machine. She later told me that my voice was as calm as she'd ever heard it. The decision was made to transfer Autumn to University Hospital for them to mange her care, as they had the best available care for her. The hospital was sending down an ambulance, and we would follow them up.

For perspective I should say that the drowning happened around 8 pm and we arrived at the University Hospital around 1 am. We were ushered into an area where we could catch a cat nap and be with her early in the morning. After she was first examined by the doctor on call his words to us were,"she is doing too well for a drowning victim." Ah, hope...and clear evidence that God was already at work in her healing. The other thing to note is that Scott and I were not alone at the hospital. My dear friend Beth, a nurse, was with us, as she had followed us from our local hospital.

By the next morning, Autumn was still not awake, but she was clearly improving. By noon she had had her breathing tube removed, had asked for her big girls panties and wanted a popsicle. This was news I could have never dreamed possible less than 16 hours before that moment. When an ekg later revealed no damage from the near drowning, we were released to go home. AMEN.

Because of a huge outpouring from our friends, family and coworkers, we organized a thank you picnic to be held, and we called it, "Celebration of Life Day." We clearly were celebrating Autumn's life, but we were also wanting people to know that it was also a time to celebrate the life that God gives to us through Jesus Christ. We were very vocal to the Newspaper, the local radio station and to a local television station that it was Jesus who saved Autumn...through her dad and the other miracle workers that worked on her and prayed for her. To God be the glory, great things HE has done.

So, on this "Celebration of Life Day," our family is celebrating. But this year we are not doing it in the same place. My husband and son are celebrating together at a Baseball game in NYC. Autumn is celebrating with her friend Casey and her family on a camping trip. Bethany and I have been celebrating all day as we went to the pool and later ate dinner at Panera Bread. Yes, we will still have a favorite dinner, a prayer time to thank God for HIS blessing, provision, and the miracle He is in each of our lives...and we'll watch the family interview tape done on the local television station. That will be in a few days...after we have celebrated and enjoyed the life we have today!!

Abba joins us on vacation....

My girls and I have had another wonderful adventure filled vacation together to our favorite area of New York State. We had the privilege to go to the Genesee Country Village and Museum in Mumford, New York. It is a wonderful village created to show the historic homes and business of various period in the 1700's to 1800's. I had hoped that the girls would love it, and they did. From the story about the octagon house being haunted, to a bar and grill where the "bar wench" would have to put down the "grill" when the men became intoxicated. We also loved watching the formation of cheese, as it was made in the 1800's. We also had the repeat joy of returning to Roseland Water Park to enjoy an afternoon of fun, water and waves!!! It is our annual pilgrimmage, and we enjoy it each year. This year, though, was one of the very best we can remember...no rain or lightening!!!

However, the very best part of this vacation was the way that God continually "showed up" during key moments. From near the beginning when I was pulled over by a state trooper for speeding....to the ride home when we had a mini melt down over bacon egg and cheese bagels, God was with us every mile!! I had the opportunity to take responsibility for having driven too fast. The trooper was also a blessing, because he reduced the fine that I could have had to pay by stating where I was speeding was at a different point on the highway. Our next adventure was when I could not go the right way on the thruway, due to construction. My own little melt down, and Autumn played a song by FFH with the lyrics, "Hey hey it's a good day, even if things aren't going my way. Jesus is Lord and I'm okay...hey hey it's a good day...." The most amazing moment of God's provision would come on Thursday morning when my cute little red Alero wouldn't start. Oh no....now what. Well, God was just amazing because He provided an AAA respondent that not only started my car, but lead me to his garage where he replaced my battery!!! The girls were able to enjoy an obnoxious yellow canary at this station, and I was able to share with this driver/mechanic how God had once again blessed our family and taken care of our need.

God truly was with us on vacation, and we are grateful for His presence. Each prayer, each tear, and each moment reminded us once again that He cares about all of the details of our lives!!! So, I will make sure that I never forget to include Him not only in the day to day ordinary moments of our lives, but make sure He is a prominent part of our vacations!!!