Thank you for the way that you love us...

Looking for something of beauty in my yard, I came across these tulips in my old flower bed. It wasn't till I uploaded the picture that I noticed the ugly dying dandelions next to these beautiful tulips, that I had a moment in which I understood God's love for me. Before He came into my life, I was an ugly dying creature, who didn't know Him. Once He came into my life, He then had the ability to create something of beauty within me. Wow. Only He can change the ugly dying parts of me, into something that is both beneficial and beautiful.

Although I will never fully understand God's love, I am reminded again that HE made me, HE created me, and my whole purpose in life is to bring Him pleasure and glory. How can He not love what HE created, even me? How can I live up to that awesome responsibility....well, I can't. Not in my humanness. But as I grasp the reality of His love for me, His life in me, His plans for my life...then I might finally start to fully live life the way that HE intended. That really is the point, it's not about me, but about HIM. God has created me completely and solely for HIM. So today, Lord, bring the beauty of your presence in my life, so that others will not see the ugly dying dandelions in my life, but the beauty of the tulips you are creating in me.

Mastering Me....

What is it you are trying to show me these days, Lord? I want to hear, but I am surrounded by distractions. I am most distracted by attention to myself, my needs, my issues, my problems. So, my distraction is "me." How do I get away from "me?" How do I blot out all of the thoughts, insecurities and attention I give to "me" every day?

I was just lamenting to a friend that my children are awesome, but they don't seem to have a focus outside of themselves. Ah....that would be the fault of "me" .... I have inadvertently taught my children that their own version of "me" is more important than everyone else. Okay, so how do I change this?

Matthew 16 says "Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. 25 For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. 26 What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? 27 For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what they have done." How do I live that every day? How do I make what I want, take a backseat to what God wants in my life? A question for the ages...but a question I am pondering, as I learn how to master my love of "me" and return to my first love, Jesus!

All things old are new again.....

We had a lovely day at an Artisan's Fair in our community that highlighted what would be considered old time activities, raising farm animals, spinning wool, sheep shearing, candle making, soap making, etc. It makes me want to do these things myself, and yet somehow life seems to get in the way! A month ago I was going to work to "perfect" the art of bread making. I made two loaves of bread that weekend. Somehow, even though they were far from perfect, I have not gone on to make more bread. That is sad. In past days, people would not have had a choice, but would have had to feed the chickens, churn the butter, spin the fiber, and even chop the wood. It is still my goal to perfect bread, and learn the art of making soap, but this probably won't happen till I'm forced to do so. So, for now, I will take off the pressure, enjoy crocheting a little, baking bread from time to time, and enjoy the life I am living now!

Learning the hard way....

What is it that God is trying to show me these days? It seems HE is trying to strip away the parts of me that keep me from knowing HIM better. Just when I don't know how much more I can take, HE shows me that it is not about me, but about my reliance on HIM. If my life is not glorifying HIM for HIS sake, then I am just a clanging cymbal trying only to serve myself, and not my Lord. Any unbelieving person can do that. God has called me to a greater calling, and I have failed HIM.
It seems that I am learning that maybe my "dedication" to ministry has not been completely to serve HIM, but to get a few "kudos" and "way to go girl" from my peers and those in authority over me. That is not a pretty picture of how I wanted my life to be lived. Forgive me Lord for trying to take your glory, and for relying on my own strength. I should not be surprised that I have given out under the pressure, for on my own, I am nothing. I need you LORD to lead me, work though me, and tell me what to do next. The need is so great, the work so difficult to manage....I need YOUR help. I need YOUR strength. Please be near me in these crazy days.
I was just wondering, thinking about what my ministry was, what was the calling YOU had on my life. Then I am confronted with this side of my personality... Not an hour after wondering and thinking these thoughts, someone thanked me for the role I had played in the life of their family. My pleasure...but I have to be careful with my thoughts, given this new realization of my flaw, and propensity to need "praise" from others. I so want my only affirmation to come from my Lord, but I am so human. Thank you anyway, Lord, for providing the words of encouragement you gave to me through my friend. Despite my intentions to want to only please YOU, you still gave me words that were balm to my weary soul. Thank you. That is what makes you God, the fact that you know and love me, despite my flaws and failiures. Thank you.....

To have a real hope....

In the many months since my last post, it seems that God has been speaking to me through books, and sermons, articles on the web, and even Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh. No, don't think I've fallen over the edge and somehow tied my faith with my political leanings. But I have listened to the mess that our country, society, and culture have become; yet these commentators, entertainers, or whatever you want to call them, have continued to focus on having hope. I find that to be comforting, and a message I need to not hear just once, but on a daily basis. Sean frequently says , "Let not your heart be troubled..." and I have no idea if that is just one part of a statement made in the book of John in the Bible. I don't know if these men actually have hope in God, or more specifically hope in the Savior of Jesus Christ. But even so, through the rantings and commentating on the days events, I have been able to focus on Jesus as my only hope.

That brings me to the point of this little post...Hope can only be found in our Lord Jesus Christ. Thankfully He knows our circumstances, knows about the banking crisis, knows about the moral decay in our culture, knows about the aches in our heart and about our woundedness. In the midst of this, He is there. Friend if you are in need of Hope, turn to Jesus....our only source of Hope.

Life has blessed us with a puppy.....I think

For Autumn's 13th birthday she received the gift of a puppy, she has named "Lili Mae Mathewson." Lili is a black lab and golden retriever mixed breed, and is a bundle of energy. Although she is a lot of work, Autumn is so thrilled to have her in her life, and Bethany is pleased as well. I can't say the same for Ben, as he is not much of a dog lover. However, he has been tolerant.

The process of teaching her acceptable behavior has been much like training a child. We are trying to make her understand that the cats are her new roommates, and they are not dogs, and that they need time to get used to her playfulness. Lili though, is teaching me that life is fun, and that even a little napkin ripped into hundreds of pieces can be a great toy. She is one more tool God is using to teach me about contentment. We as humans tend to want bigger, better and more expensive "things" for our lives. When the reality is that most of us have all that we need.

I am also learning how patient, once again, my Lord is with me. I often make the same mistakes over and over again, yet He is always there to help me or to completely clean up the messes I have made. Lili is just a pup, and the messes she makes are truly either just accidents or out of her exuberance for life. I must be patient with her, and I hope I will learn to be more patient with those others in my lfe who somehow don't quite meet my expectations. God is good....and I hope I will continue to learn whatever He is trying to teach me..... Till then, I will have fun training Lili to be an integral part of our family...and hopefully learn something new each day!!

Sometimes life is very hard, and we don't always understand the things that happen to us, or to those in our world. Since my last post it seems that life has been somewhat disconcerting. From the financial instability we all face, to the big questions of morality, to the daily trials of those we encounter. It seems that God is trying to get our attention....get my attention. I hope that I am listening, and once God finally has my full attention, I hope I have the ability to do and be all that He asks of me.

Lately I have wondered about the overall direction of my life, and the many choices I have made. How exactly did I get to this place, where I have children, a husband I usually love (though not in the same way every day), and a job I am not always certain I can really do well. I never planned on having children, never thought I could be good enough to parent them, and certainly was too selfish to put their needs ahead of my own. And marriage has been filled with daily challenges...though I truly have no regrets, honest. I sometimes wonder how we have survived these 17 years, when so many others have given up, or live in a daily hell. I am just grateful that despite myself and my own selfish nature, I have the gift of a husband who loves me anyway. And my work, how on earth do I get anything done....and truly some days very little seems to be accomplished. Yet then I remember the joy of a family that finally adopts their first little one, or a child who despite his past trauma has landed in a family that loves him completely, wounds and all.

So maybe I ought to spend less time wondering about the direction of my life, and relish the moment in which I am living. God has been faithful, even when I have not deserved His favor...and I really can ask for nothing more. Though when I do ask for more, He loves me and answers my deepest needs in the way that best honors Him. Amen.

He is before me, behind me, beside me and within me....

Again I have been a receiver of God's grace, His provision and now His protection. I will never understand the reason that some things happen in our lives, but I know that no matter the circumstances, that God is in the middle of it and walks with me through each step of the journey. I am certainly not more worthy of God's protection or love than any other person...but I accept it with gratefulness and humility.

On a clear day full of sunshine, on a road I have travelled for many years, I found that my son Ben and I were being catapulted toward a grassy field, after being hit broadside by a truck that ran through a stop sign. The moment of impact was one I do not think I will ever forget, nor will Ben. As we talked about it later, time seemed to slow down as if happening in a dream. As the airbags deployed and the van came to a stop, we quickly got out of the van into a field. Safe and sound. How? Why? Oh my God. In those moments I knew once again that God was before us, behind us, beside us and within us. We walked away, with only scratches, a scrape and buises from a crash that should have been far worse. I can't explain it, nor will I try.

There were clearly moments that had God's fingerprints all over them. As if He had made sure certain details were in place to minimize the trauma He knew that we would experience. To begin with, Ben and I walked away. That alone is enough. But even beyond that amazing miracle, my daughters were with my parents, having made the last minute decision to spend a few extra days with them. They were spared the awful experience. The accident occurred 25 minutes from my parents house, not on a highway, but on a regular state road. For whatever reason, the accident was not my fault. I was not distracted, nor speeding, nor looking away from the road. The fact that we were even driving the van was in itself a miracle, as I much prefer my little red car, given to me after my mom's death. Had we been in that little car....
My parents were reachable by cell phone, and came to retrieve us from the scene. The deputy's, paramedics and firemen were amazing. The were able to deal with us, as well as extricate the elderly couple from their truck. My only regret was that I was too much in shock to follow up with them. But I also know that God can take care of them, as He did us. My husband arrived that evening to be with us, and to later return us home. After a quick check with my doctor the next day, it was again plain to me that God had marked each of our steps, and provided His angels of protection to keep us from serious harm.

I feel so unworthy of His love, let alone His divine protection and intervention. But I am grateful....and this is my feeble attempt to give HIM all the glory, honor and praise for it is BECAUSE of HIM that we are here...home, healthy and safe. Thank you Jesus.........

Ahhh.....the blessed days of Summer.

It occurred to me this past week how much I absolutely LOVE summer. It is not just the weather, though that is a serious bonus! What I realized I love is that this is the one extended time of year that is not structured to the point of insanity. I start my day sooner each morning, but it also ends sooner. Then once I do get home, I can generally really stay home!!! I also realized that although I still cook dinner most nights, the pressure is off somehow. Salads, quick meals on the indoor grill and the occasional help from Ben at actually making dinner, has been a major blessing these past few weeks. Bed times are later, there is no real home work, and the kids generally are able to do their chores before I even darken the door. The schedule itself is almost completely uncluttered by meetings, choir, Youth Group, and other distractions. I love all of those activities, but this summer has been a much needed respite from the crazy busy-ness that is my life.

I begin to wonder if I am wasting my time, somehow, because I am not busy every second. Sitting on the computer looking up things on the internet, like will I ruin my hair if I color it twice in one week....and searching for an interesting macaroni and cheese recipe seem to occupy my free moments. The other moments have been spent playing Clue or Monopoly with the kids, watching Seventh Heaven on DVD since our television is dead, and reading. Oh and I can't forget the many evenings when we have not bothered with dinner at all, but headed to the local pool once I arrived home from work. Whether swimming with the girls, or reading a book while watching them dive and swim, I am so thankful for this respite. In moments, I wish summer could go on forever. But it won't, and I really don't want it too. For as much as I have realized how much I love the unstructured care free days of summer, I know that I need the highly structured appointment filled days during the rest of the year.

So as I near the end of this "sabbath" from the craziness of the rest of the year, I hope I can soak up the blessings, enjoy the quiet evenings, remember the talks and blessings I have shared with my children and family. I will need to keep it in my heart as I prepare for the next season when I will be helping the kids with homework, working longer hours and filling evenings with activities and various sports and music events. So, thank you Lord, for this respite....

Celebration of Life......

It is on this date, July 26th, nearly every year that our family takes a moment to pause, reflect and thank God for each of our children. We are abundantly grateful for the gift of Ben, Autumn and Bethany, and all that they mean to us....and are excited to consider all that God may have planned for them.

However, the reason for this date, this "Celebration of Life Day" that we try to remember each year, could have been one marked by pain and tragedy. Instead, God chose to demonstrate HIS divine intervention that day, and turn us around so that we would once again remember his blessings.

On this date in 1999, when Autumn was 3-3/4years old, and Bethany about 18 months old, and Ben just shy of 7 years of age, we were swimming in the pool in our back yard. Ben was playing with his friend Kyle, doing head stands and trick in the shallow end, I had just taken Bethany inside and put her in her crib so that I could take a quick shower, and Autumn was floating around in a blow up tube she had become attached to in the weeks preceding this date. Scott watched Ben and Kyle doing tricks, and in just a moment noticed that Autumn was floating face down in the deep end of the pool. In seconds he was in the water, dragging her out and giving her mouth to mouth resuscitation. He was also screaming for help, Ben ran inside to find me and a neighbor hearing the commotion called 911.

Within minutes an ambulance was on it's way, I had already slid soacking wet across the kitchen floor, and Scott had been able to give over the reigns to the professionals, while he lost control on the side of the pool. Not knowing what else to do, I called our Pastor's home, and spoke quickly to his wife and asked for immediate prayer for Autumn's full recovery. As I was finally able to race outside to her, I heard the distinctive low moan of her beginning to breathe. A miracle in the making. In that moment, I knew that whatever lay ahead for this little girl, we would be able to manage it with God's help.

As we collected our wits, made plans for Ben and Bethany and raced to the hospital, we knew there was great uncertainty about what her condition was and what would happen next. We were in the hands of God almighty, and He literally carried us through those moments. At the hospital it was determined she had had a seizure and was put on mega doses of medication to keep her from moving around or having another seizure. Seeing her torn bathing suit on the floor was a moment I won't forget. Yet I also knew that in Scott's eyes the moment he could not forget was seeing her floating in the pool. The self doubt, guilt and questions were all circling around us. Yet, for some reason I will never be able to explain, the peace of God was covering it all for me. It was as if when I heard Autumn's "low moan" back at the side of the pool was a sign from God just for me....that somehow she would be okay....

I proceeded to make phone calls to every living soul I knew that would pray and lift her little life up to the King of Kings and Lord of Hosts and beg for her complete healing. My cousin Karen, and people from our church. I also called my dear friend Tina and left her word on her answering machine. She later told me that my voice was as calm as she'd ever heard it. The decision was made to transfer Autumn to University Hospital for them to mange her care, as they had the best available care for her. The hospital was sending down an ambulance, and we would follow them up.

For perspective I should say that the drowning happened around 8 pm and we arrived at the University Hospital around 1 am. We were ushered into an area where we could catch a cat nap and be with her early in the morning. After she was first examined by the doctor on call his words to us were,"she is doing too well for a drowning victim." Ah, hope...and clear evidence that God was already at work in her healing. The other thing to note is that Scott and I were not alone at the hospital. My dear friend Beth, a nurse, was with us, as she had followed us from our local hospital.

By the next morning, Autumn was still not awake, but she was clearly improving. By noon she had had her breathing tube removed, had asked for her big girls panties and wanted a popsicle. This was news I could have never dreamed possible less than 16 hours before that moment. When an ekg later revealed no damage from the near drowning, we were released to go home. AMEN.

Because of a huge outpouring from our friends, family and coworkers, we organized a thank you picnic to be held, and we called it, "Celebration of Life Day." We clearly were celebrating Autumn's life, but we were also wanting people to know that it was also a time to celebrate the life that God gives to us through Jesus Christ. We were very vocal to the Newspaper, the local radio station and to a local television station that it was Jesus who saved Autumn...through her dad and the other miracle workers that worked on her and prayed for her. To God be the glory, great things HE has done.

So, on this "Celebration of Life Day," our family is celebrating. But this year we are not doing it in the same place. My husband and son are celebrating together at a Baseball game in NYC. Autumn is celebrating with her friend Casey and her family on a camping trip. Bethany and I have been celebrating all day as we went to the pool and later ate dinner at Panera Bread. Yes, we will still have a favorite dinner, a prayer time to thank God for HIS blessing, provision, and the miracle He is in each of our lives...and we'll watch the family interview tape done on the local television station. That will be in a few days...after we have celebrated and enjoyed the life we have today!!

Abba joins us on vacation....

My girls and I have had another wonderful adventure filled vacation together to our favorite area of New York State. We had the privilege to go to the Genesee Country Village and Museum in Mumford, New York. It is a wonderful village created to show the historic homes and business of various period in the 1700's to 1800's. I had hoped that the girls would love it, and they did. From the story about the octagon house being haunted, to a bar and grill where the "bar wench" would have to put down the "grill" when the men became intoxicated. We also loved watching the formation of cheese, as it was made in the 1800's. We also had the repeat joy of returning to Roseland Water Park to enjoy an afternoon of fun, water and waves!!! It is our annual pilgrimmage, and we enjoy it each year. This year, though, was one of the very best we can remember...no rain or lightening!!!

However, the very best part of this vacation was the way that God continually "showed up" during key moments. From near the beginning when I was pulled over by a state trooper for speeding....to the ride home when we had a mini melt down over bacon egg and cheese bagels, God was with us every mile!! I had the opportunity to take responsibility for having driven too fast. The trooper was also a blessing, because he reduced the fine that I could have had to pay by stating where I was speeding was at a different point on the highway. Our next adventure was when I could not go the right way on the thruway, due to construction. My own little melt down, and Autumn played a song by FFH with the lyrics, "Hey hey it's a good day, even if things aren't going my way. Jesus is Lord and I'm okay...hey hey it's a good day...." The most amazing moment of God's provision would come on Thursday morning when my cute little red Alero wouldn't start. Oh no....now what. Well, God was just amazing because He provided an AAA respondent that not only started my car, but lead me to his garage where he replaced my battery!!! The girls were able to enjoy an obnoxious yellow canary at this station, and I was able to share with this driver/mechanic how God had once again blessed our family and taken care of our need.

God truly was with us on vacation, and we are grateful for His presence. Each prayer, each tear, and each moment reminded us once again that He cares about all of the details of our lives!!! So, I will make sure that I never forget to include Him not only in the day to day ordinary moments of our lives, but make sure He is a prominent part of our vacations!!!

Weddings, celebrations and life's big moments....

We had the pleasure of attending a wedding this weekend. The wedding was a wonderful experience, and we were grateful to have been able to witness the marriage of two people who are not only deeply in love, but are so obviously soul mates. My cousin, Emily, was beautiful and I am sorry I don't have any good pictures of her with her groom, but suffice it to say they were stunning, and clearly deeply connected. At least I can show you her obvious happiness and joy that shines through in the pictures I was able to get of her.

It is sometimes hard to realize that the big moments of life, are simply moments. Most of life is lived out in the mundane everyday-ness that we all experience. But it is those daily experiences that make way for the "big moments" in life. I am so thankful for the big moments I have had...our own wedding was like a dream, and I can only hope that Emily and Tim had at least half as wonderful a day as my sweetie and I shared. However, I might add that not every day we have had since that "big moment" 17 plus years ago has been "wonderful." Some of those days have been hard, and down right difficult. However, I would never trade the mundane everyday moments, or the difficult times to only have just the one "big moment." For without the backdrop of the mundane and the difficult times, I couldn't possibly appreciate the "big moments" God has given to me. Together these weave together a life and love I will cherish for the rest of my days.

Do I Trust You Lord?

There is an old Twila Paris Song that often speaks my deepest feelings when I am considering something difficult, or even something simple. Trust is one of the most basic instincts that a child learns in infancy, and if it isn't learned, they never fully move on to successful adulthood. That may be how it is with our Creator as well. As I learn to trust Him in the small things, I should then be able to trust Him in the bigger situations in life. Clearly God knows the outcome...but mostly, He knows what it is I need to learn in the middle, and that may be the most important reason to listen to His leading and do whatever HE leads.

There was a time not long ago that I continued to refuse to do what I knew in my heart that God was telling me to do. Taking the plunge and actually doing what I knew God had been trying to get me to do, was probably one of the worst seasons of my life. When I finally received counsel from my Godly cousin, I knew that I had to do what I had felt God nudging me to do....or suffer the consequences. Leaving a church and position in which I was not only comfortable, but felt used by God, was devastating at the time. Now, though I can finally look back and see that doing what God said to do, was my only real option. To go my own way, and ignore the Lord, would have surely lead to my destruction, and likely the destruction of my family. I can also now see the blessings. The reasons for the things God planned.

So, trusting God with the outcome, is the only way. Thank you Pastor Dennis for reminding me once again, that God truly does know best, and is not only worthy of my trust....but will be with me from the moment of my first step, to my last...

DO I TRUST YOU?
by Twila Paris

Sometimes my little heart can't understand
What's in your will, what's in your plan
So many times I'm tempted to ask you why.
But I can never forget it for long
Lord what you do, could not be wrong
So I'll believe you, even when I must cry.

Do I trust you Lord? Does the river flow?
Do I trust you Lord? Does the north wind blow?
You can see my heart, You can read my mind,
And you've got to know, I would rather die,
Than to lose my faith, in the one I love.
Do I trust you?

I know the answers, I've given them all
But suddenly now, I feel so small.
Shaken down to the cavity in my soul.
I know the doctrine and theology,
but right now they don't mean much to me.
This time there's only one thing I've got to know.

Do I trust you Lord? Does the robin sing?
Do I trust you Lord? Does it rain in spring?
You can see my heart, You can read my mind,
And you've got to know , I would rather die,
Than to lose my faith, in the one I love.
Do I trust you?

I will trust you Lord, When I don't know why.
I will trust you Lord, till the day I die.
I will trust you Lord, when I'm blind with pain,
You were God before, and You'll never change.
I will trust you, I will trust you, I will trust you Lord.


Amen.

Family pictures....some that God gave me by birth...

I love summer, and times to just hang out and share time together. I'm so grateful for the ability to build memories with my children, as well. Our first camp fire was a success, and hopefully one of many to come...

Friends.... family that we choose

It was after a recent Weekend with out of town friends, and friends around the block that I was once again reminded of my many blessings and the privilege I have of calling some of these people, "Friend." God is so good. This is but a tiny piece of the joy and fun we were able to pack into a weekend, with friends/family around the campfire. God is So Good....all the time....but especially whe we get to share time with people we love!!!

You have been so good..........

One of my favorite Worship Leaders, Paul Baloche, has a song that seems to be running through my head again today, even though I am somewhat overwhelmed by my circumstances.

"You have been so good to me
You have been so good to me
I came here broken, you made me whole
You have been so good, you have been so good to me.

You have been so good to me
You have been so good to me
I came her mourning, you gave me joy
You have been so good, you have been so good, you have been so good to me

How can I thank you , there is just no way
How can I thank you , Lord how can I repay
for your kindness for your tenderness
for your constant presence here with me....."

Given all my blessings, the many ways God has touched my life....when the hard things of life happen I should not be so surprised. If I am willing to accept His goodness for my blessing, should I not also accept His troubles for my growth. Besides everything is not all about me. Bad things happen to good people! But God can redeem even the horror and troubles of life.

I think that it just might be possible that trials come into our lives in order to simply draw us closer to our Creator. I am a slow learner, and though I recognize He desires to be in intimate communion with me....sometimes it takes a trial or tragedy to bring me to my knees. Maybe that is the whole point of the Salvation message...Christ died to save me, but also to draw me into communion with His Father...my Father. Relationship. That must be the point. Too often I run through my day without really "needing" God. But that is simply not true. The reality is that I need HIM every moment of every day.

So, truly Lord, "You have been so good to me...." and for that I just thank you and rejoice in the fact that despite myself, you love me and desire to be in relationship with me. Awesome!!!

Now I understand.....

Why is it that sometimes God has to hit us over the head with a boulder to make us listen to HIM and listen to our own heart. Sometimes I am "running just to catch myself..." as the popular Mark Schultz song goes. Because I obeyed God's call...and that of Jim and Mike, I found myself right where God wanted me to be last weekend. Not only did I have the privilege of serving HIM in the capacity of Worship/Music Leader, but I had the ability to listen to my heart.

I guess that I didn't realize I was still struggling with grief and loss. It has been two and a half years since I lost my mom to COPD. Her death was sudden, but not really unexpected. It is not that I haven't cried and felt the loss. But at the time, I just plowed on and attended to all of the necessary details. The funeral, the finances, cleaning out the apartment, storing her things...later on cleaning out her things and sorting and claiming and passing on.

It took a request of a song.."Just a Closer Walk with Thee" by a new Koinonian to bring me to the realization that I still had to look at my loss and try to come to terms with it. I also remembered how much my mom loved KOINONIA. Working on a weekend in nearly any capacity was such a joy to her. She grew in her personal faith because of her involvement in Koinonia. And each time she went, it was a new reminder of God's love for her. The people in Koinonia loved my mom, and she knew that. I suspect she reasoned that if they could love her, there could no longer be any doubt in her mind that God loved her even more.

As we sang that little song on Sunday morning, I was overcome with emotions...to the point that I could really not pull it together. Even when I cry and become overwhelmed when leading worship, I can usually pull it together. Seldom do I sob outloud....but I couldn't keep it in and out they came. I knew in that moment that God was pleased, that HE loved my mom...and that once again, HE loved even me. I felt HIS overwhelming presence in that conference room...and felt in some strange way a nearness to my mom again.

My emotions took over once more in a later session in that same conference room, when even though I had not planned to say a word, I knew I had to share what God had done in my heart earlier that morning. I think the message I wanted these new Koinonians to hear most of all was that God not only loved them beyond all belief, but that He desired that they remain in community with each other, as well as himself. I hope I was able to spit out that message....because I felt it was directly from HIM.

Again, I am so blessed. I truly want each of you that stumbles upon this post to know one undeniable fact....GOD loves YOU and desire to know you and for you to KNOW HIM!!!! Just the fact that HE would love me (and you) is amazing, but now to relish in the truth that HE wants to meet with you daily....in every minute of every moment. It doesn't get any better than this!!!! GOD LOVES YOU....don't ever forget it!!!!

My music, my calling, my life.....

Lately it seems as though God is trying to move me along. I'd like to say I have a clue where He might be trying to move me to, but I can't say that I do. Surely He intends to move me closer to Him, doing whatever He wants for me to do. However, of late, I'm not sure what that is anymore.

There was a time I was absolutely certain I was exactly where I was supposed to be...in my little God ordained spot in the universe. Now, I'm just not so sure. When we were at our former house of worship, I knew that God had placed me in a position to lead His people into Worship each Sunday. It was my calling, and despite myself, each week He still somehow used even me. Each Sunday was different, and most times I marveled at what came out of my mouth...for I seldom had planned a word of it. I still am in awe of those moments in worship when God would utterly be in control and I would look at a team mate and he would sing, or play, or pray, without a word being uttered. That intuitiveness that we shared at those times was surely God given and only His holy spirit could have spoken His direction to our hearts at that moment.

Leaving that place of security and certainty of God's "official appointment" has left me, even two plus years later, wondering, "what now?" Have I done all that He wanted for me to do? I have tried my hand at different areas of ministry...not always with great results. I have listened, tried to be supportive, been a team player, and by God's grace He has allowed me to again participate on a Worship Team. Yet, I miss what was...even as I fully enjoy and pour myself into what is. I hope that in time the longing will go away, and I will live fully in this moment and no longer grieve for what is no longer.

Until then, I trust that God will clearly guide my steps. As I contemplate whether to take more guitar lessons, or embark on real piano lessons...I hope I am not somehow forcing something. I clearly want more of Jesus in my life...and those times when I have been wrapped up in music and worship, are the times I have felt His presence most deeply. So, guide my steps...help me listen to your voice...audible or felt, and know that You are making a way in the current wilderness of my life. Most of all, I want YOU Lord to be in absolute control...and that my calling will not be mine...but your calling on my life!

My main ministry...

Sometimes I am amazed that I have a family...that there are three children I can call my own, and a husband to boot, with whom I share my life. I don't think I really deserve any of this, and I know I have it all only by God's grace and providence. That being said, as I consider various ministry opportunities, I have to take into account not only what I desire and feel called to do, but how it will impact my family. There was a time I thought that once my children are older, I would have time to serve, and do the things I love...all for God, of course. But now, I wonder, maybe it is even harder to do various "ministry opportunities," because my children and husband don't need me less, like I thought. But rather, I believe they need me more. Or at least I think that they do.

Hence my struggle whenever I am asked to do anything. I search, I question, I look at our schedule....and sometimes I still can't figure out what I am supposed to do. A good friend of my recently said something to the effect, there are many "good things" that we can do to serve God, but we can't do them all!! That is definitely my situation at times. So, here I am again, wondering what to do and how it will impact those I love.

As I pray and consider and plan and search, I am reminded of something my dear husband said not long ago. He basically came to the conclusion that his primary minstry is to his children and family. Wow, what a concept in our over worked and over involved world. So there....my first priority is to my family. I need to ensure that I am ministering to their needs, and helping them to grow in their love of and knowledge of the Lord. If that is being fulfilled, then I can give some attention to the other areas God would desire for me to serve!!!

To Follow My Fear, or Follow My Heart.....

For years I have loved participating in an event called "Koinonia," a weekend retreat held in the Rochester area for nearly 30 years. It was how my Dear One and I met. Only God could have brought us together, and He did so in an amazing way.
Anyway, for this retreat, each weekend (three held each year) is put on by a "Team" of former "participants," for first time "participants." My first weekend was in May 1985, and I have had the privilege of serving on countless weekends since that time...probably around 20 or so in all. Most weekends I have been a musician and lead the music, but on other weekends I have been someone who is part of the prayer ministry, and have also given more than one talk on the weekend.

Though I have never felt worthy of any of my roles, I have always believed that if I were asked to be a "team" member, that God had His hand on it. Nothing is by chance, since I firmly believe that each weekend is bathed in prayer from the very beginning. Most weekends I have gone, I have realized at some point exactly why I was there, and what God wanted to show me or do in my life. So, now I am faced with a decision....one I am wrestling with and can't quite come to the place where I am entirely sure what God is trying to say to me.

I hope in the next day or so, I will make a decision that completely honors God...and leave the whole thing to Him. He will figure out the details, if I stop taking them back from Him. That is the human struggle, to lay our burdens at Him feet....and leave them there.