Thank you for the way that you love us...

Looking for something of beauty in my yard, I came across these tulips in my old flower bed. It wasn't till I uploaded the picture that I noticed the ugly dying dandelions next to these beautiful tulips, that I had a moment in which I understood God's love for me. Before He came into my life, I was an ugly dying creature, who didn't know Him. Once He came into my life, He then had the ability to create something of beauty within me. Wow. Only He can change the ugly dying parts of me, into something that is both beneficial and beautiful.

Although I will never fully understand God's love, I am reminded again that HE made me, HE created me, and my whole purpose in life is to bring Him pleasure and glory. How can He not love what HE created, even me? How can I live up to that awesome responsibility....well, I can't. Not in my humanness. But as I grasp the reality of His love for me, His life in me, His plans for my life...then I might finally start to fully live life the way that HE intended. That really is the point, it's not about me, but about HIM. God has created me completely and solely for HIM. So today, Lord, bring the beauty of your presence in my life, so that others will not see the ugly dying dandelions in my life, but the beauty of the tulips you are creating in me.

Mastering Me....

What is it you are trying to show me these days, Lord? I want to hear, but I am surrounded by distractions. I am most distracted by attention to myself, my needs, my issues, my problems. So, my distraction is "me." How do I get away from "me?" How do I blot out all of the thoughts, insecurities and attention I give to "me" every day?

I was just lamenting to a friend that my children are awesome, but they don't seem to have a focus outside of themselves. Ah....that would be the fault of "me" .... I have inadvertently taught my children that their own version of "me" is more important than everyone else. Okay, so how do I change this?

Matthew 16 says "Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. 25 For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. 26 What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? 27 For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what they have done." How do I live that every day? How do I make what I want, take a backseat to what God wants in my life? A question for the ages...but a question I am pondering, as I learn how to master my love of "me" and return to my first love, Jesus!

All things old are new again.....

We had a lovely day at an Artisan's Fair in our community that highlighted what would be considered old time activities, raising farm animals, spinning wool, sheep shearing, candle making, soap making, etc. It makes me want to do these things myself, and yet somehow life seems to get in the way! A month ago I was going to work to "perfect" the art of bread making. I made two loaves of bread that weekend. Somehow, even though they were far from perfect, I have not gone on to make more bread. That is sad. In past days, people would not have had a choice, but would have had to feed the chickens, churn the butter, spin the fiber, and even chop the wood. It is still my goal to perfect bread, and learn the art of making soap, but this probably won't happen till I'm forced to do so. So, for now, I will take off the pressure, enjoy crocheting a little, baking bread from time to time, and enjoy the life I am living now!

Learning the hard way....

What is it that God is trying to show me these days? It seems HE is trying to strip away the parts of me that keep me from knowing HIM better. Just when I don't know how much more I can take, HE shows me that it is not about me, but about my reliance on HIM. If my life is not glorifying HIM for HIS sake, then I am just a clanging cymbal trying only to serve myself, and not my Lord. Any unbelieving person can do that. God has called me to a greater calling, and I have failed HIM.
It seems that I am learning that maybe my "dedication" to ministry has not been completely to serve HIM, but to get a few "kudos" and "way to go girl" from my peers and those in authority over me. That is not a pretty picture of how I wanted my life to be lived. Forgive me Lord for trying to take your glory, and for relying on my own strength. I should not be surprised that I have given out under the pressure, for on my own, I am nothing. I need you LORD to lead me, work though me, and tell me what to do next. The need is so great, the work so difficult to manage....I need YOUR help. I need YOUR strength. Please be near me in these crazy days.
I was just wondering, thinking about what my ministry was, what was the calling YOU had on my life. Then I am confronted with this side of my personality... Not an hour after wondering and thinking these thoughts, someone thanked me for the role I had played in the life of their family. My pleasure...but I have to be careful with my thoughts, given this new realization of my flaw, and propensity to need "praise" from others. I so want my only affirmation to come from my Lord, but I am so human. Thank you anyway, Lord, for providing the words of encouragement you gave to me through my friend. Despite my intentions to want to only please YOU, you still gave me words that were balm to my weary soul. Thank you. That is what makes you God, the fact that you know and love me, despite my flaws and failiures. Thank you.....

To have a real hope....

In the many months since my last post, it seems that God has been speaking to me through books, and sermons, articles on the web, and even Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh. No, don't think I've fallen over the edge and somehow tied my faith with my political leanings. But I have listened to the mess that our country, society, and culture have become; yet these commentators, entertainers, or whatever you want to call them, have continued to focus on having hope. I find that to be comforting, and a message I need to not hear just once, but on a daily basis. Sean frequently says , "Let not your heart be troubled..." and I have no idea if that is just one part of a statement made in the book of John in the Bible. I don't know if these men actually have hope in God, or more specifically hope in the Savior of Jesus Christ. But even so, through the rantings and commentating on the days events, I have been able to focus on Jesus as my only hope.

That brings me to the point of this little post...Hope can only be found in our Lord Jesus Christ. Thankfully He knows our circumstances, knows about the banking crisis, knows about the moral decay in our culture, knows about the aches in our heart and about our woundedness. In the midst of this, He is there. Friend if you are in need of Hope, turn to Jesus....our only source of Hope.

Life has blessed us with a puppy.....I think

For Autumn's 13th birthday she received the gift of a puppy, she has named "Lili Mae Mathewson." Lili is a black lab and golden retriever mixed breed, and is a bundle of energy. Although she is a lot of work, Autumn is so thrilled to have her in her life, and Bethany is pleased as well. I can't say the same for Ben, as he is not much of a dog lover. However, he has been tolerant.

The process of teaching her acceptable behavior has been much like training a child. We are trying to make her understand that the cats are her new roommates, and they are not dogs, and that they need time to get used to her playfulness. Lili though, is teaching me that life is fun, and that even a little napkin ripped into hundreds of pieces can be a great toy. She is one more tool God is using to teach me about contentment. We as humans tend to want bigger, better and more expensive "things" for our lives. When the reality is that most of us have all that we need.

I am also learning how patient, once again, my Lord is with me. I often make the same mistakes over and over again, yet He is always there to help me or to completely clean up the messes I have made. Lili is just a pup, and the messes she makes are truly either just accidents or out of her exuberance for life. I must be patient with her, and I hope I will learn to be more patient with those others in my lfe who somehow don't quite meet my expectations. God is good....and I hope I will continue to learn whatever He is trying to teach me..... Till then, I will have fun training Lili to be an integral part of our family...and hopefully learn something new each day!!

Sometimes life is very hard, and we don't always understand the things that happen to us, or to those in our world. Since my last post it seems that life has been somewhat disconcerting. From the financial instability we all face, to the big questions of morality, to the daily trials of those we encounter. It seems that God is trying to get our attention....get my attention. I hope that I am listening, and once God finally has my full attention, I hope I have the ability to do and be all that He asks of me.

Lately I have wondered about the overall direction of my life, and the many choices I have made. How exactly did I get to this place, where I have children, a husband I usually love (though not in the same way every day), and a job I am not always certain I can really do well. I never planned on having children, never thought I could be good enough to parent them, and certainly was too selfish to put their needs ahead of my own. And marriage has been filled with daily challenges...though I truly have no regrets, honest. I sometimes wonder how we have survived these 17 years, when so many others have given up, or live in a daily hell. I am just grateful that despite myself and my own selfish nature, I have the gift of a husband who loves me anyway. And my work, how on earth do I get anything done....and truly some days very little seems to be accomplished. Yet then I remember the joy of a family that finally adopts their first little one, or a child who despite his past trauma has landed in a family that loves him completely, wounds and all.

So maybe I ought to spend less time wondering about the direction of my life, and relish the moment in which I am living. God has been faithful, even when I have not deserved His favor...and I really can ask for nothing more. Though when I do ask for more, He loves me and answers my deepest needs in the way that best honors Him. Amen.